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There are 4 types of emotionally immature parents, from reactive to critical. Here's how they impact you as an adult.

10 December 2024 at 14:56
A father yelling at his young daughter

vvaragic/Getty Images/iStockphoto

  • Lindsey C. Gibson, a psychologist, coined the term "emotionally immature parents."
  • She said there are 4 types, from reactive and critical to passive and emotionally absent.
  • Most parents fall into one type, and all types can negatively impact kids in the long term.

Relationships with parents or caregivers can be strained for many reasons. If you feel like you can't connect with your parent or like you're walking on eggshells around them, it's possible they're emotionally immature.

Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, a clinical psychologist, coined the term in her bestselling book, "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents."

While these parents are sometimes labeled as "narcissists," Gibson previously told Business Insider that she finds the label too broad and unhelpful.

Instead, she told BI that emotionally immature parents generally "show problems with being egocentric" and deal with conflict by "denying, dismissing, or distorting anything they find unpleasant." They also struggle with self-reflection and empathy, which makes it hard for them to really bond with their kids.

These relationships can be confusing because these parents are often not all bad, she said. They can meet your physical needs, such as taking care of you when you're sick or offering lots of financial support. But emotionally, they fall short.

Gibson said there are four types of emotionally immature parents. While a parent can be more than one type, she said that most tend to fall into one category. She defines each type by the parent's "unique methods of coping with emotion and stress."

She shared the four types as well as the effects emotionally immature parents have on their kids.

1. Reactive parents

A young girl crying in front of her mom

Prasit photo/Getty Images

Reactive parents struggle to regulate their emotions. They can appear volatile and erratic, getting angry or upset over issues you wouldn't expect them to. Gibson refers to reactive parents as "emotional parents" because they behave like they're ruled by their feelings.

"They make life so unpleasant when they get upset that people start involuntarily automatically thinking twice before they speak or do something," Gibson said.

Kids of parents like these often grow up to be people-pleasers, always on the lookout for potential conflict that they might need to stamp out. They may also have a hard time setting boundaries or even disentangling their feelings from their parents'.

2. Highly critical parents

A mother criticizing her daughter

laflor/Getty Images

Highly critical parents are perfectionists who nitpick at everything their child does. Gibson also calls them "driven" parents, because "they're always going after something."

In childhood, they may pick apart your grades or gymnastics performance. In adulthood, it can evolve into judging your job, lifestyle, or appearance.

"They can be very pushy and very controlling," Gibson said, not caring about the impact their words have on you. "It's coming from a belief that in order to be anybody or accomplish anything, you've got to really have that drive and keep on trying to be perfect, otherwise you're likely to be a total failure."

Kids of these parents can end up burning out or choosing careers they don't like, simply because their parents would disapprove of their passions.

3. Passive parents

A child crying while their parents ignore them

urbazon/Getty Images

Passive parents are often the more "fun" parents. In fact, they tend to be the most emotionally present out of all four types, Gibson said. They're at their best when they're playing a game with you or taking you to an amusement park.

"The problem is that they are just kind of passive in their role as a parent," Gibson said. When faced with more challenging aspects of parenthood, like pushing back if their spouse screams at their child, they step back. They might literally leave the room as abuse happens.

"They don't seem to feel that protective need to step in to help the child," Gibson said.

When their child exhibits any uncomfortable emotions, such as anger or fear, the passive parent doesn't comfort or even acknowledge them. They might even deny a child's abuse allegations because it would complicate the family dynamic to confront the other parent or another relative.

It makes it hard for their kids to have healthy relationships later in life. They learn to hide their feelings and receive no guidance on how to resolve conflict effectively, Gibson said.

4. Emotionally absent parents

A young daughter trying to get her dad's attention

Zinkevych/Getty Images

Emotionally absent parents act like their child doesn't exist. Gibson calls them "rejecting" parents because they're unable to respond to their child's emotional needs or bids for attention.

"That child feels not important enough to command the parent's attention," she said. It can cause issues in a child's self-esteem.

Because these children are so frequently ignored, she said they can later date narcissistic people who finally give them the focus they've always craved. They're so used to accepting the bare minimum from people that they might not have high standards for their partners or friends.

Dealing with emotionally immature parents

If you recognize your parent in any of these, there are a few things you can do to become less enmeshed.

You can set boundaries with a parent by slowing down your speech and calmly restating your needs. If you have the kind of parent who always criticizes you, you can practice the "gray rock method," giving unemotional, neutral responses to keep drama at bay.

If those tactics are too challenging or you feel unsafe around your parent, you can consider lowering your contact or completely cutting ties.

Even if it's tough at first, it's always possible to break the cycle by standing your ground and focusing on healthier relationships in your life.

Read the original article on Business Insider

Budgeting isn't for everyone, but 'intuitive spending' has its problems too

2 December 2024 at 08:01
A woman going through her finances and making a budget
Finance pros often recommend budgeting, but some think it could use a "rebrand."

skynesher/Getty Images

  • A financial guru has criticized strict budgets, advocating for intuitive spending instead.
  • Budget culture is seen as restrictive, leading to potential "budget burnout."
  • Experts suggest balancing intuitive spending with realistic budgeting for financial health.

Saving money and paying off debts can feel like an endless cycle, which is why financial gurus are so keen on budgeting.

But Dana Miranda, a certified personal finance educator, told CNBC Make It in a recent interview that strict spending plans can be "toxic."

Miranda, who is also the author of "You Don't Need a Budget," told the outlet that budget culture is based on "restriction, shame, and greed," and there's little concrete evidence it works in the long term.

Instead, she recommended "intuitive spending" and thinking about your money "moment by moment." Rather than punishing themselves for overspending, people should reward themselves when they save, Miranda said.

Not all financial pros are in agreement, though.

Katrin Kaurov, the CEO and cofounder of the social financial platform Frich, told Business Insider it's true that "everyone hates budgeting."

But she isn't convinced intuitive spending is a good alternative. For some, it can increase debt and result in purchases they don't need.

To budget or not to budget

Doug Carey, a chartered financial analyst and founder of the retirement and financial planning software WealthTrace, told BI that whether to budget is a question that comes up with many of his clients.

Generally, he said he disagrees that people must have a set budget and stick to it. As long as someone can max out their 401(k) contributions and save enough for emergencies, "they can use their intuition for spending."

For these people, it is pretty obvious when they are spending too much, Carey said, because they'll dip into savings.

Budgets can be too limiting for people who are more flexible in their income, such as freelancers or contractors, for example, because these systems don't often allow for easy changes.

Carey said the "micromanagement" of daily things can also "obscure the bigger picture of your financial health," such as long-term financial goals such as retirement savings or building wealth.

"This can create a negative association with managing money and lead to 'budget burnout,'" Carey said. "Many give up on budgeting when they feel like they cannot live within the strict limits of the budget."

Trial and error

Budgets can be more universally helpful if they make room for flexibility.

Kaurov told BI that budgeting isn't inherently toxic, "but many people create budgets with too much enthusiasm and optimism for how little money they will spend from month to month."

People spend more during the holidays, for example. So using December's budget in January probably won't work.

Kaurov said a budget should be about creating a realistic guideline for spending and saving. If you've set one you can't follow, you should rethink it, she said.

"Budgeting is a tricky β€” but important β€” skill for people to learn when they're starting to manage their money," she said. "Trial and error is crucial and will allow people to find what kind of budget works best for them."

The grass isn't always greener

Intuitive spending sounds like a good idea, but it may be a case of "the grass is always greener," Kaurov added.

"For so many, especially younger people who are often on a tighter budget anyway, it's a really poor financial habit to develop," she said.

For those who are partial to impulsively buying trendy items from social media ads, "intuitive spending" can quickly turn into overspending on things you don't need.

Julie Guntrip, the head of financial wellness at Jenius Bank, told BI that rather than following absolute rules about their spending, people give themselves grace when things don't go to plan.

"Budgeting practices many times fail because people can't stick to them β€” an individual makes one misstep and decides to give it all up," she said.

A better course of action may be somewhere in the middle.

"Factoring splurges into a budget could be a great compromise for someone who may feel like budgeting is too constraining," Guntrip added. "This practice may actually help someone stick with a budget longer."

Read the original article on Business Insider

Signs you've been 'love-bombed' during a job interview and what to do about it

29 November 2024 at 02:51
A woman shaking hands in a job interview with the hiring manager
If the hiring manager is too optimistic and full of praise during an interview, it could be a sign of "love-bombing."

sturti/Getty Images

  • Job seekers may face 'love-bombing' from hiring managers during interviews.
  • Love-bombing involves excessive praise to keep candidates interested without real intent.
  • Experts advise setting expectations and keeping options open to avoid being manipulated.

If a hiring manager is excessively complimenting you and telling you you're the top candidate during an interview, you may be being "love-bombed."

The term originated as a way to describe the manipulative tactics some toxic people employ in romantic relationships to hook in their victims, showering them with affection, gifts, and promises for the future, only to later flip the script and show their real selves.

But the same pattern may apply to the workplace, too. Many job seekers complain of inconsistent behavior from hiring managers,Β CNBC reported, being flattered and praised one minute and ghosted the next.

"Love-bombing during job interviews happens all too often when recruiters or hiring managers want to keep you interested in them while they figure things out behind the scenes," Renee Barber, the global director of recruiting for TYR Talent Solutions who has over 20 years of experience in the recruitment industry, told Business Insider.

"They may overhype your chances to keep you interested," Barber said. "Especially if they're not ready to make a decision or they need to buy time without being direct about the actual situation."

Janine Chidlow, the managing director of EMEA at the global talent firm Wilson, told BI that love-bombing not only disrupts a candidate's career expectations "but also raises questions about organizational integrity and employer branding."

"This phenomenon isn't new," she said. "But its frequency and impact have surged."

How to recognize love-bombing

It's looking like the job market may see a boost next year. But white-collar hiring is still in a slump, with tech jobs being hit the hardest.

Love-bombing may serve as a "morale-booster" for both candidates and interviewers, Chidlow said.

Amanda Fischer, an executive leadership and career coach who is the founder of AMF Coaching & Consulting, said that some recruiters and hiring managers want everyone they are interviewing to feel optimistic about the role so they don't lose out on the best candidates.

They may also want to create a strong connection so the candidate to make them less likely to negotiate further.

"In this particular instance, that is a highly manipulative move," Fischer said.

It may not always be a scheme, though, and some recruiters and hiring managers may be love-bombing without realizing it.

"They could genuinely be excited about a candidate and might not see how the excessive compliments could backfire," Barber said.

There are plenty of ways to recognize love-bombing during the interview stages.

According to Barber, some signs are excessive compliments, like being told you're exactly what the company is looking for, or that you're the best candidate being interviewed, or being given unrealistic promises, such as if they talk about you "being a great fit for the team" or "starting soon" before they've actually made a decision.

Fischer told BI that pressure for a quick decision is also "a huge red flag."

"From my perspective, there are very few circumstances where you should accept a role the moment it's offered," Fischer said.

Barber agreed, adding that if there is a long delay or no communication after the interview, "it's a sign that the praise might have just been a way to keep you interested before they made their decision."

What to do about it

Love-bombing during the interview process is symptomatic of deeper issues in recruitment, Chidlow said.

"While it may yield short-term gains in market perception, the long-term costs β€” disillusioned candidates, damaged reputations, and high turnover β€” far outweigh the benefits," she said.

"By prioritizing transparency and respect, organizations can foster genuine connections with candidates, ensuring a healthier, more productive recruitment process."

If you think the person on the other end of the interview desk is love-bombing you, it's good to set expectations early, Barber said.

"Before you wrap up the interview, feel free to ask when you can expect to hear back and what the next steps are," she said. "This can help you keep track of the process and avoid getting strung along."

Barber also recommended following up after the interview, sending a thank-you email, and asking for feedback.

"This allows you to gauge whether the praise was sincere and whether the company is genuinely interested," she said.

"If something feels off, trust your instincts," Barber added. "If it all felt too polished or disconnected from your experience, be cautious."

Keeping your options open is also a good move because being in a stronger position yourself makes you less likely to fall for manipulative tricks.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket," Barber said. "Otherwise, you could be waiting around for a response that might never come."

Read the original article on Business Insider

7 signs it might be time to break up with a friend, no matter your history

27 November 2024 at 10:53
Two young women with one looking at the camera

BROOK PIFER/Getty Images

  • It's normal to experience ups and downs with a friend.
  • But if you often feel tense or anxious around a friend, it's probably a red flag.
  • Friends who don't respect boundaries or don't reciprocate care might not be worth keeping.

All long-term friendships come with highs and lows. Navigating conflict together (instead of quiet-quitting) is a necessary part of growing closer.

Sometimes, though, the tension doesn't disappear after the fight. Or, worse: you don't know how to solve fundamental differences, like a friendship feeling too one-sided or a BFF being actively jealous of you.

Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, told Business Insider that having strong connections is crucial to your health. Relationships that make you feel invisible or emotionally unsafe do more harm than good.

Still, it can be hard to face the truth, especially if you have history with a friend. "Generally, this is one of those questions that we don't take the time to ask ourselves," Kirmayer said, even though the answer is usually "very telling."

She shared some signs a friend is just not treating you right, whether they disrespect your boundaries or never reciprocate how much you put into the relationship.

1. They take much more than they give back

One of the most important parts of any friendship is feeling balanced, Kirmayer said. You should feel like equals without "scorekeeping or counting the minutes."

Your friend's communication style might be more talkative than yours. But they should also find time to ask you questions, share bids for attention, and be actively interested in your life.

Otherwise, listening to a friend's vents or monologues feels like a draining relationship with an energy vampire.

2. They criticize you under the guise of 'brutal honesty'

Sometimes, a great friend will tell you what you don't want to hear, like that your ex is treating you poorly.

But it's another thing to use "I'm just being honest!" or "it's just a joke!" as a cover for insulting your looks or life choices, Kirmayer said.

"We feel the truest sense of belonging and connection when we feel seen, heard, and appreciated for who we actually are," Kirmayer said. If you constantly get told you're doing something "wrong," "it can end up feeling like that friendship is conditional on our willingness or ability to mold ourselves into who they want us to be."

Whether they're taking jabs out of potential jealousy or sending you long therapy-speak texts about your faults, they're not helping you grow β€” they're cutting you down.

3. They don't respond well to feedback

If they can dole out lots of feedback but can't take any themselves, that's a sign of an uneven friendship.

One good way to gauge this is by watching how they respond when you bring up an issue, Kirmayer said. "Are they willing to take accountability or just hear you out in a way that allows for constructive conversations?"

If your friend is reactive to feedback no matter how politely and diplomatically you present it, it's a sign that you might be people-pleasing in the relationship to avoid explosive conflict.

4. They almost never initiate communication

Sometimes, friends go through big life changes: one might enter a new relationship, get a stressful new job, or have a baby. In those times, how often you communicate might change.

Still, Kirmayer said it's important for close friends to feel like they take turns initiating plans, rather than everything falling to one person.

"That consistency is important for keeping our friendships thriving," she said. Otherwise, it can build resentment and distrust over time if one friend is always the one reaching out.

5. They don't take 'no' for an answer

Friends respect your boundaries, Kirmayer said. If you say no to talking about a vulnerable topic, do they step back or keep prodding? If you don't want to go out on a weeknight, do they listen or start shaming you?

She said someone not respecting the word "no" is a huge red flag in all relationships β€” and, ironically, can push you away from a friend even more.

6. They gossip to tear people down

Not all gossip is bad, and it doesn't always mean someone who talks about others will talk about you.

"Sometimes, our friends are gossiping as a need to secure support or to set out our perspectives and experiences," Kirmayer said. It can be a way to work through a problem or grow closer via shared values.

But there's a difference between healthy gossip and a friend frequently putting other friends down to make themselves feel better. In general, she said a solid friendship should present other ways of connecting besides what you don't like about other people.

But if you get a pit in your stomach about all the small things your friend rips other people apart over, it might be a sign that they'd speak just as badly about you, too.

7. They're not interested in your growth

If you've known each other for a while, you'll inevitably experience some changes in your careers, interests, relationships, health, or general outlooks on life.

That's why Kirmayer said it's a great sign if your friend wants to keep learning about you. You should welcome new life updates and support each other through big milestones, not "only repeating the same conversations that you've had for years on end."

If a friend is only invested in a past version of you β€” and actively rejects the newer updates in your life β€” it can be a sign that you're outgrowing your friendship.

Read the original article on Business Insider

Can going to a haunted house boost the immune system?

Spooky season has come and gone, but those Halloween revelers who took in a haunted house during the season might just have boosted their immune systems by doing so, according to a new paper published in the journal Brain, Behavior, and Immunity.

As previously reported, fear is typically viewed as a negative emotion, an adverse reaction to keep us on our toes with regard to potential dangers in our environment. But human beings also tend to seek out scary movies, horror novels, or haunted housesβ€”and not just during the Halloween season. This tendency has been dubbed "recreational fear" in the academic literature: a "mixed emotional experience of fear and enjoyment."

Co-author Mathias Clasen of Aarhus University, author of Why Horror Seduces, specializes in studying recreational fear and and co-directs the Recreational Fear Lab with cognitive scientist Marc Andersen. For instance, Clasen and his colleagues have examined the dominant personality traits of horror fans. (They tend to score high on openness to experience, also called intellect imagination.) In 2019 we reported on his investigation ofΒ two different fear-regulation strategies employed by subjects participating in a Danish haunted house: "adrenaline junkies," who lean into the fear, and "white-knucklers," who try to tamp down their fear.

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