I can tell Jess is trying to be nice about the people in her group chat, to varying degrees of success. It's not that the members are bad people. They met a year ago at a vocal workshop for aspiring musicians and artists and decided to keep in touch after it ended. The chat has become a mix of a confessional and a lovefest — people will leave long audio messages rambling about their days and texts about how much support they get from everyone. It's this "quintessential overcomplimentary, masturbatory, 'everybody loves each other so much'" space, Jess says. Plus, they're not good musicians, which is the opposite of the chat's point. She's attended various performances of other group members, and "all of them are bad, across the board," she says. But again, she's really trying to be nice. "In this group, they have so clearly found their people," she says. "I don't hate these people. I just hate being in their stupid group."

And yet she can't just quit. For each member's birthday, the group goes in on a gift together. Her birthday was first, so she felt like she had to stick around for everyone else's. She finally got through the first round of birthdays, opening the door for an exit — but it can't be an Irish exit. "I feel like I have to make a goodbye," she says. "I can't ghost. I can't ghost. It would be against the whole thing of the group." She spoke on the condition of withholding her last name for this story, for obvious reasons.

Jess isn't alone: Many people report feeling overwhelmed by group chats, saying it's difficult to keep up with messages and even comparing it to a part-time job. Many people, like Jess, also have at least one group chat they really hate. It's not just a nuisance but a place that makes their blood boil. It's like scrolling through posts from the most obnoxious people on Twitter, but you actually know them in real life. As much as you may loathe the chat, it's tough to quit — group chats may be contained in the cold, distant trappings of technology, but the contents are often warm and real.

Jess tells me our conversation has reinvigorated her commitment to leave her despised chat ahead of the new year. She's just got to think up her goodbye message first.

The group chat is a complicated invention of our modern technological existence. It can be a useful tool: a place to coordinate Fourth of July plans with extended family or stay up to speed with neighbors on the landlord's latest shenanigans. It can be a fun place: a spot for sending memes and gossip and life updates. The group chat is also often a safer space for spicy takes than social media — it's less likely to get you fired, or indicted, or canceled (though that's not impossible). Group chats can also be wildly irritating. You look away for a few hours and suddenly you've got 63 unread messages about stuff you really do not care about. And sure, you can mute it, but it's still there, haunting you.

Jeremy Birnholtz, a communication professor at Northwestern University who focuses on human-computer interaction, told me there are two features that make group chats unique (and daunting). "One is that texting is happening all the time, so you can't choose to be out of the room and not be with everybody," he said. "Two is that you're either in it or you're out of it. There's not a graceful way to ease yourself out of it as there are with social relationships."

Ignoring the group chat is less obvious than, for example, spending Thanksgiving watching TV in the living room instead of talking to everyone around the table. But eventually everyone will notice and think you're kind of a jerk for it. And if you do engage, it can be tricky to ensure you get your point across. Group texts, like all written communication, lack many of the cues of in-person communication. There's no body language, no vocal inflections or facial expressions. It's easy to misread intentions and meaning, good or bad.

"People fill in the blanks the way that they want to," Birnholtz said. If you think someone is attractive or a close friend, you fill them in in positive ways. If you think someone doesn't like you, you do the opposite.

Sharon does not have a particularly good relationship with her in-laws, a reality that has infected their group chat. She's noticed her messages in a group she's in with her mother-in-law and two sisters-in-law don't get as much attention as she thinks they should. Her mother-in-law doesn't interact with photos of Sharon's kids as much as she does with pictures of Sharon's sister-in-law's kids. In April, Sharon (which isn't her real name) made eclipse-themed pancakes — she put a dark one over a light one and then put eyes on a Mrs. Butterworth's syrup bottle to make it look as if it was watching the eclipse — and posted photos of them in the group. Her mother-in-law didn't respond, but she did pop back in when Sharon's sister-in-law posted a photo of her cat. The chilly reception led Sharon to scale back her participation, and she finally muted the chat in the fall. "I feel so much better," she says. Still, Sharon won't quit. "I wouldn't have a place if I ever wanted to communicate a message with them where I could get them all at once," she says. "So I just leave it there."

From the outside, it's hard not to wonder whether Sharon is perceiving slights where none are meant — her kids are her mother-in-law's grandchildren, after all. At the same time, Sharon is filling in the blanks this way for a reason.

"If you don't get along with somebody in person, if they're passive-aggressive or where they do weird things in person, then it's not going to work on a group chat either," Sharon says. She emphasizes that in group chats she's careful to make sure everyone gets attention for what they post and is celebrated for their achievements. She's just heart reacting away.

Group chats have gone the way of a lot of communication innovations, such as email or AOL instant messaging or, for a more modern example, Slack. It proves itself useful, and then it becomes so useful that everyone's using it all the time, and then it gets overwhelming.

"The other thing is that technologies are not designed for graceful exits for the most part," Birnholtz said. In a WhatsApp group, there's no easy way to do the Midwestern "I suppose I'll let you go" thing that subtly lets the other person know you are very much done with the conversation. You can't really slow-fade a fraternity chat the way you might your fraternity friends in real life.

I reached out to a couple of professional etiquette experts and advice givers to ask if they had thoughts about how to quit a group chat you hate without damaging relationships. Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist at The Washington Post, told me that "good protocol is always that you're in control of your own life and time," and you don't need permission for that. "Anytime you're feeling handcuffed by a group, then it's time to take a deep breath and think about that a little," she said. Group chats are about feeling connected and supported and entertained, and if you're not getting that, it's OK to "dip out," she said. Someone just quit one of Hax's group chats with college friends, explaining that she had a lot going on in her life, and no one batted an eye. "It's like, 'Hey, are you all right?' That's about it," she said. "And if people can't handle that, then that's on them."

If it's a group with essential information — updates from other parents at school, or family members — the mute button is your friend. "You let it accumulate, and then you just check in: Did I miss something important?" Hax said. "Disengage as your health demands, but keep the thread."

Hax didn't say this, but I will: It's probably fine to lie and say you're too busy to keep up with the chat and leave. It's really nobody's business to dig into what you're too busy with. Maybe it's a medical issue, or maybe you just want to peacefully scroll through Instagram reels uninterrupted by a bunch of pings.

Lisa Mirza Grotts, an etiquette consultant, said that while it's important to leave politely, in casual groups it's fine to do a "quiet" exit. "You simply leave without an announcement," she said. She also said there's no one right way to communicate in a group chat; what reads to one person as efficient might read to another as rude. "I just think you have to be mindful that it's not the perfect way to communicate," she said.

Not everyone has qualms about quitting their group chats, like Joe Cardillo, who has cleaned house lately. They've worked in venture-backed startups for about a decade and have several group chats with former colleagues and professional contacts. In one such chat, messages started to come through on what Cardillo called some pretty "inflammatory" topics. In particular, someone said that Elon Musk and Donald Trump would be "amazing" for tech, which started an argument with hundreds of messages. Cardillo spoke up, saying they didn't want to be in an "unstructured space" where people didn't show basic respect and take accountability. Ultimately they left.

"I just consider it healthy to think about what a good conversation feels like. And if this isn't it, then you're like, I'm out," Cardillo said.

Group-chat dynamics are, in a word, messy — and in many messy situations, walking away is easier said than done. One friend confessed that they'd been in a weeklyish-brunch chat for two years without any intention of ever attending said brunch. Everybody seems nice, but it just isn't their jam, and they're scared to quit. Another admitted that they kind of hated their friend-group chat, and they were pretty sure everyone else had a chat without them, but they had no idea how to broach the subject. One person told me about a friend who had abruptly left a chat after someone else in the group posted an old picture of her in which she was quite drunk. The person surmised that the friend's husband saw the photo and "went nuts."

Sometimes you just have to set a boundary, and that boundary can be deciding to not sit in a room with 12 people chattering away all day without any ability to shut them off. You can say you have to go for a reason, or you can just walk away. Who knows if they'll even miss you? Years ago, everyone quit a group chat I was in except for me and one other person. My friend renamed it "WE'RE THE BEST," and we've been talking in it, by ourselves, since. It's fun, and we're still friends with the other people.

As for Jess, she insists she's open to being friends with the people in her mediocre-musician chat on an individual, less intense level, but I have my doubts. The last time they were all interested in going to the same show, she bought a ticket — but for a different night.

"They're wonderful people," she says. "They're just not my people."

Emily Stewart is a senior correspondent at Business Insider, writing about business and the economy.

• While fantasizing about a trip to the South of France, I realized it would be more fun with friends.
• I dropped my dream itinerary in a group chat with three friends I'd known for just a few months.
• To my surprise, they all wanted to go, and we had the trip of a lifetime.

I found myself crafting the perfect itinerary to the South of France, envisioning pristine beaches and dazzling scenery from Provence to the glamorous St. Tropez and Monaco, The dilemma? Though I was planning a solo trip, I realized it was actually the perfect destination for a glitzy girls' trip. The kind you make memories you'll still laugh about years down the line. Yet, as I'm nearing 40, the number of friends I have who can take time to travel as their lives move in the direction of marriage and growing families is dwindling.

So, I took the plunge and tossed my itinerary in a group chat a friend created after we all had a blast together at my birthday brunch, where they initially all met. I was nervous about the possible chorus of, "Love this but can't… maybe next year?" replies. But seconds later, responses like "I'm down!" and "I'd be interested" came rolling in.

Following the enthusiastic replies, we started seriously planning our trip to the French Riviera in another dedicated group chat.

Planning a trip with women I didn't know well had some challenges

That's when the frustrations kicked off. We were four women with vastly different vacation styles who were now planning a seven-day trip to the Côte d'Azur.

The first issue was the budget. The pings from the group chat were never-ending as we attempted to merge various travel practices and budgets to fit the group.

Initially, it was suggested to fly into a cheaper city and completely rearrange the original itinerary. It became overwhelming, and to avoid headaches before takeoff, we ultimately settled to move forward with what I initially proposed to the group. Once we all agreed on expectations, the next step was to finalize bookings.

From there, we leaned into each other's strengths to round out the finishing touches of the planning. I assumed the heavy lifting in finding the perfect places to stay. Because we didn't know each other well, we all agreed to look for accommodations that would allow everyone to have their own room — and if that didn't work, at least their own bed. We were excited to go on the trip, but also wanted to give each other space to unwind and recharge.

My method was simple: I looked around for spaces that fit the bill, selected my two favorite, and created a poll in the group chat for everyone to vote. It eliminated unnecessary back-and-forth and decision fatigue.

Chelsea, whom I had met in a group for girls who love fine dining, was the group's resident foodie. In a location as splashy as the South of France, it's easy to get lost in the ritzy beach clubs and restaurants and rack up unnecessarily expensive tabs for every meal. To help us avoid this, she did some digging on both the hot spots and local affordable gems. We didn't go a day wondering, "Where should we eat?"

Then, Jen and Michaela — who I had met individually, at a late-night museum event and art gallery, respectively — took on the responsibility of organizing travel during the trip, which included renting a fabulous convertible, perfect for navigating the beautiful coasts and charming towns.

We wanted the freedom that comes with renting a car but also needed someone who could maneuver the endless winding roads, which Jen agreed to tackle for the entire trip. And with Michaela coordinating plans for flights, trains and yachts when needed, the group trip made it out of the chat in less than a month.

We all pitched in and planned an amazing trip

Everyone pitched in, which ensured no one was burdened by an unfair amount of responsibility. I occasionally chimed in with restaurant suggestions, and we designated a second captain to assist Jen while navigating unfamiliar roads.

Additionally, we all gave each other freedom to explore while still relishing each other's company, whether it was sharing a bottle of wine with the freshest fish as the sea stretched ahead, partying at a beach club, or having a siesta on our sun-drenched balcony before a night out.

A key to a successful group trip is also accepting everyone does not have to be attached at the hip. While in Monaco, two of us spontaneously decided to splurge on a helicopter tour while the other two settled into a fabulous lunch with glasses of rosé. That kind of flexibility ensured everyone walked away satisfied at the end of the trip.

You often hear the true test of friendship is if you can travel together. For us, our stay in the South of France was just the beginning of our friendship. We all took pieces of each other home. Thanks to Chelsea, I'll always remember to look for hidden gems away from tourist traps, and I've expanded my wine lists thanks to Jen, who often said, "Why not just order a bottle?" I also came home with an appreciation for jumping off yachts with Michaela. While still laughing from memories we just made, we departed already throwing out potential ideas for our next getaway.

• Rebecca Vijay, an online entrepreneur, faces isolation and challenges due to time zone differences.
• She works in publishing through the night and sleeps during the day while her family is away.
• Global connections through coaching groups have helped her overcome isolation and find support.

I'm an online business owner who provides book writing and publishing services. My focus is on women's empowerment through faith, entrepreneurship, and financial literacy.

As a child growing up in New Delhi, every day was an adventure with friends and weekends were busy with church, youth events, and programs. Coming from a carefree youth setting to stepping into the workforce and adjusting to a 9-5 schedule took some time.

Now, as I run my business from home alone, I feel even more isolated.

I worked a few corporate jobs before starting my business

After working in different organizations at the start of my career, I settled at Oxford University Press for almost eight years, heading a commissioning team that published management books.

I got married in 2008, found we were expecting twins, and lost my firstborn twin son on the third day of his life. I raised my preemie daughter with my husband's support.

Infant loss can be a taboo subject, and most people around me chose to ignore it. Stifling my thoughts and emotions forced me into my shell.

I had another son, and when he was a few months old and my daughter was in kindergarten, I decided that money can always be made but spending time with my kids during their formative years was more important. I left corporate life in 2014. Not many people in my life understood this decision.

I became an author and struggled to feel understood by my community even further

I started blogging, and in 2017, I wrote my first book, "My Angel in Heaven," about my son's death and finding comfort in God, which helped many bereaved parents and became a bestseller on Amazon.

Though people around me congratulated me, I didn't feel like they understood what it took out of me to bring the book to life. I went on to have two more books published that year, and the response was the same, as they hit bestseller lists, too. It made me feel even more disconnected from the people around me.

I then faced new challenges when I became an online entrepreneur

I started my company, Fount of Grace Creatives, in 2018, providing publishing services to local authors and expanded it into an international publishing house in 2021.

I created a concept for an anthology featuring inspiring stories of global women changemakers, trailblazers, and visionaries. Arranging coaching or networking calls is difficult; when for some, it's midnight, for others, it's early morning.

As I work mostly with US clients now, I tend to work during the evenings, leading to late nights. Sometimes, I'm even up until 4 a.m. or 5 a.m. or maybe not sleeping at all, as I need to be up by 6 a.m. to get my kids up for school.

Once my kids and my husband are out for their day, I try to get a few hours of sleep. It's extremely difficult as our maid will come, trash will need to be picked up, some courier will come, etc.

I generally put my phone on silent as otherwise it will keep ringing and disturb my irregular sleep. On top of that, I get migraines, which get triggered by lack of or interrupted sleep.

It's difficult for friends, family, and acquaintances to understand my schedule

My husband works in logistics and others around me are mostly in IT, teaching, HR, finance, banking, or ministry.

For them, I'm at home and need to be available whenever they call or message. Some feel that the online world where I work is not a "real" job and don't seek to understand it. They also don't understand why I've invested in mentors, online programs, and courses.

I work on business development, sales and marketing, social media, and fulfillment. This is very different from more traditional jobs, and I'm all the more isolated as I can't share about my work or what it entails.

The pandemic came and made everything worse

We were imprisoned within our own four walls. I lost my mom and some close friends.

Before I could even make sense of that, cancer stole two of my favorite and most inspiring authors whose stories I published.

All this left me spinning out of control and alone.

I started to make friends online

I've connected with others through global coaching groups to learn strategy and skills for my business. These women have helped me break boundaries in my mind and figure out how to cater to international audiences and charge in USD, as they've had to break their own barriers and obstacles to gain success.

These women have become friends and helped me feel less alone. We have similar struggles, share our success stories or tips, and speak the same jargon.

Investing in myself, following through on my vision even when others didn't understand or see it, and focusing on my mission have helped me develop these deeper virtual personal relationships.

The struggles are worth it

Life as an online entrepreneur from a different time zone than most of my clients has been difficult and lonely, but when I look back at the lives I've touched through publishing their inspiring stories, the sacrifices have been worth it.

I plan to go on to train corporations and educational institutes in personal development and women's leadership and continue to encourage my kids and women across the world to dream big, not be limited to a 9-5 job, and consider working online as a way to gain time and financial freedom.

Do you have an isolating job and want to share your story? Email Lauryn Haas at [email protected]

• It's normal to experience ups and downs with a friend.
• But if you often feel tense or anxious around a friend, it's probably a red flag.
• Friends who don't respect boundaries or don't reciprocate care might not be worth keeping.

All long-term friendships come with highs and lows. Navigating conflict together (instead of quiet-quitting) is a necessary part of growing closer.

Sometimes, though, the tension doesn't disappear after the fight. Or, worse: you don't know how to solve fundamental differences, like a friendship feeling too one-sided or a BFF being actively jealous of you.

Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist, told Business Insider that having strong connections is crucial to your health. Relationships that make you feel invisible or emotionally unsafe do more harm than good.

Still, it can be hard to face the truth, especially if you have history with a friend. "Generally, this is one of those questions that we don't take the time to ask ourselves," Kirmayer said, even though the answer is usually "very telling."

She shared some signs a friend is just not treating you right, whether they disrespect your boundaries or never reciprocate how much you put into the relationship.

1. They take much more than they give back

One of the most important parts of any friendship is feeling balanced, Kirmayer said. You should feel like equals without "scorekeeping or counting the minutes."

Your friend's communication style might be more talkative than yours. But they should also find time to ask you questions, share bids for attention, and be actively interested in your life.

Otherwise, listening to a friend's vents or monologues feels like a draining relationship with an energy vampire.

2. They criticize you under the guise of 'brutal honesty'

Sometimes, a great friend will tell you what you don't want to hear, like that your ex is treating you poorly.

But it's another thing to use "I'm just being honest!" or "it's just a joke!" as a cover for insulting your looks or life choices, Kirmayer said.

"We feel the truest sense of belonging and connection when we feel seen, heard, and appreciated for who we actually are," Kirmayer said. If you constantly get told you're doing something "wrong," "it can end up feeling like that friendship is conditional on our willingness or ability to mold ourselves into who they want us to be."

Whether they're taking jabs out of potential jealousy or sending you long therapy-speak texts about your faults, they're not helping you grow — they're cutting you down.

3. They don't respond well to feedback

If they can dole out lots of feedback but can't take any themselves, that's a sign of an uneven friendship.

One good way to gauge this is by watching how they respond when you bring up an issue, Kirmayer said. "Are they willing to take accountability or just hear you out in a way that allows for constructive conversations?"

If your friend is reactive to feedback no matter how politely and diplomatically you present it, it's a sign that you might be people-pleasing in the relationship to avoid explosive conflict.

4. They almost never initiate communication

Sometimes, friends go through big life changes: one might enter a new relationship, get a stressful new job, or have a baby. In those times, how often you communicate might change.

Still, Kirmayer said it's important for close friends to feel like they take turns initiating plans, rather than everything falling to one person.

"That consistency is important for keeping our friendships thriving," she said. Otherwise, it can build resentment and distrust over time if one friend is always the one reaching out.

5. They don't take 'no' for an answer

Friends respect your boundaries, Kirmayer said. If you say no to talking about a vulnerable topic, do they step back or keep prodding? If you don't want to go out on a weeknight, do they listen or start shaming you?

She said someone not respecting the word "no" is a huge red flag in all relationships — and, ironically, can push you away from a friend even more.

6. They gossip to tear people down

Not all gossip is bad, and it doesn't always mean someone who talks about others will talk about you.

"Sometimes, our friends are gossiping as a need to secure support or to set out our perspectives and experiences," Kirmayer said. It can be a way to work through a problem or grow closer via shared values.

But there's a difference between healthy gossip and a friend frequently putting other friends down to make themselves feel better. In general, she said a solid friendship should present other ways of connecting besides what you don't like about other people.

But if you get a pit in your stomach about all the small things your friend rips other people apart over, it might be a sign that they'd speak just as badly about you, too.

7. They're not interested in your growth

If you've known each other for a while, you'll inevitably experience some changes in your careers, interests, relationships, health, or general outlooks on life.

That's why Kirmayer said it's a great sign if your friend wants to keep learning about you. You should welcome new life updates and support each other through big milestones, not "only repeating the same conversations that you've had for years on end."

If a friend is only invested in a past version of you — and actively rejects the newer updates in your life — it can be a sign that you're outgrowing your friendship.

• At 5ft 2in tall, Diana Coello used to weigh 250 pounds. She was diagnosed with diabetes in 2022.
• The flight attendant took action by improving her diet and taking her little dog for long walks.
• She lost 80 pounds in less than a year and is able to keep up with her energetic, 6-year-old child.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Diana Coello, 46, a flight attendant and mother of two from New York City. It has been edited for length and clarity.

December 18, 2022. I'll never forget the date. I stepped on the scale at my doctor's office, and it registered 250 pounds.

"You've gained a lot of weight since the last time we saw you," the doctor said. My blood pressure was high, and after the blood work came through, I was diagnosed with diabetes.

It was scary. My mom had always been heavy-set and had diabetes. I'd seen how her health had gone down. I didn't want to follow he same path.

The doctor said that I was young; I had everything to live for with a loving husband and four-year-old daughter. He gave me the motivation to lose 80 pounds. I did it by changing my diet and walking my dog more.

I ate a lot during the pandemic when I couldn't work

Growing up, my weight had been normal. I'm 5ft 2in and, in my 20s and 30s, weighed around 120 pounds. I only put on 20 pounds during my first pregnancy with my son, Andy, in 2000 and lost it pretty quickly.

But, as I got older, bad habits crept in. I stopped caring about my diet and ate whatever I wanted. I gained 40 pounds with my daughter, Milania, now 6, and they stayed on.

Still, COVID was the main reason I weighed 250 pounds. I'm a flight attendant and was grounded for almost two years. It gave me an excuse to sit in front of the TV watching endless series on Netflix. I'd run out of shows. "What's coming out next?" I'd ask my husband, Kenny, 42.

I wasn't making healthy food choices. I ate more out of boredom than because I was hungry. I have a sweet tooth and would reach for cookies and cakes. Carbohydrates were my thing. I'd fill my plate with large portions of pasta.

I didn't exercise at all. I'd get out of breath trying to keep up with Milania. I never felt that way with my son because I had energy a couple of decades ago. I didn't feel good, and my mental health suffered.

My doctor referred me to a nutritionist

After a while, I told my husband that none of my clothes fit me anymore. I was a 2XL and didn't want to keep sizing up. But when I started having dizzy spells in the fall of 2022, it was time to see the doctor.

The diabetes diagnosis shocked me into changing my ways. He said I could reverse my condition if I took it seriously. I saw a nutritionist who guided me on how to eat healthier.

She told me to replace soda with water and substitute sugar in my coffee with Stevia. I ate proteins like grilled chicken and incorporated more vegetables. Kenny and I cut down on starches like pasta, rice and potatoes. I bought an air fryer and started experimenting with nutritious recipes online. I drank 64 ounces of water a day.

I had a headache for the first three days because I was so used to having so much sugar in my system. But I kept going.

I compete with my friends on our step count

As for exercise, my friend Dianne introduced me to WeWard, a free health app that tracks your steps and lets you compare and compete with other users. You track each other's progress, and there's some friendly rivalry. Our friend Angie joined in, too.

I walked my dog, a chihuahua named Bruno, a little longer than usual, building up the time from 15 to 30 or 40 minutes. I'd take another walk in the park after dropping Milania at school. I embraced the competition partly because I wanted to walk further than Angie and Dianne. After a while, I did 10,000 steps daily.

I no longer took the elevator in the New York subway and went for the stairs. I stopped taking the bus to places. I pushed myself and started to enjoy the exercise and being outdoors. My mood lifted, and I had more energy to do things with Milania than I'd done with Andy, such as bike riding.

I'm no longer diabetic

Kenny remarked on my weight loss, saying my stomach was shrinking, and he could see it in my face. It kept me motivated. Over a period of 11 months, I got down to 170 pounds. I used to wear a size 20 uniform for work. I couldn't believe it when I fit a size 14.

Best of all, I went from diabetic to pre-diabetic to not being diabetic at all. My blood pressure and blood sugar levels are normal.

I've maintained my weight for nearly two years. I don't deprive myself and will take a bite of something sweet whenever I want it.

Of course, Bruno has benefited from my lifestyle change. He looks forward to his longer walks — and I do, too.

Do you have an interesting story to share with Business Insider about weight loss? Please send details to [email protected]