• Narcissists struggle to have positive feelings about someone whom they're mad at.
• For many people, the best thing to do is to cut a narcissist out of their life.
• If this isn't possible there are some tactics you can use to stop the argument from escalating.

Arguing with a narcissist can lead to hurt feelings or worse. 

Narcissists tend to be incapable of "object constancy," which means they struggle with having positive and negative feelings at the same time. Once they are fired up for a fight, they can only comprehend their feelings of resentment and anger. 

As a result, even the smalles argument can escalate quickly and fiercely. An issue you thought was unimportant or even irrelevant may blow up into a relationship-ending showdown. 

Narcissists can be very delicate, depending on what sub-type they are. They are often deeply insecure underneath their bravado, so they easily mistake other people's comments and actions for "attacks on themselves," Alena Scigliano, a psychotherapist and author of "Swimming with Sharks: Surviving Narcissist-Infested Waters," told Business Insider in 2023. 

Here's what you can expect from an argument with a narcissist and what you can do to keep things from spiraling out of control, according to experts.

Learn to look for the signs of an argument.

Scigliano said when you're familiar with the narcissist in your life, you'll learn their patterns. But some common signs a narcissist is gearing up for an argument include "physical agitation, facial expressions becoming sinister, darkened eyes, and a change in their posture to become more imposing or intimidating. Their voice may also suddenly get deeper or sterner, she said.

"Whatever the signs may be, they will reflect the narcissist's desire to regain control of the situation or reestablish their authority," Scigliano said.

Expect name-calling or the silent treatment.

Fights with a narcissist are very different from regular relationship spats, Elinor Greenberg, a psychologist and author of "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety," told BI in 2023.

Some of her clients have screamed at her over minor inconveniences, such as packages arriving during their session.

"If they're going to yell at me over the UPS man, you can see just how hard it is for them to have a relationship without getting nasty," she said.

When offended, narcissists may accuse their partner of being "disrespectful" or "selfish." The world revolves around them, in their eyes, so focusing on anything else feels like a direct attack.

Narcissistic rage ranges from direct confrontation with name-calling and insults to calculated, closed-down reactions like giving their partner the silent treatment for hours.

"They give you the cold shoulder, or they walk out and they find another partner," Greenberg said. "But it's all done silently and coolly and coldly — you know what you did.

Know you'll find yourself going in circles.

Expect to feel frustrated with how the argument seems to be going nowhere.

"Because narcissists are fantastic at spinning others around in their webs of manipulation, you can easily become disoriented as to how the argument even began, frustrated over their circular arguments, and hopeless with regard to resolving anything," Scigliano said. 

"Oftentimes, people give up and give in just for the sake of ending the argument and reestablishing a modicum of peace," she said. 

Don't argue about "right" and "wrong."

There's no point trying to figure out who is "to blame" for something, as narcissists will never admit fault. They're also not necessarily trying to "win" the argument. 

"Be aware that narcissists don't argue to prove a point," divorce attorney Derek Jacques of The Mitten Law Firm told BI in 2023. "They argue to feel a rush of satisfaction of putting you down and belittling you." 

Instead, try to empathize with their feelings.

Some therapists debate whether narcissists mean to cause harm to their loved ones. Regardless of their intent, their attacks can still wound those around them. 

Narcissists become "visibly disappointed, frustrated, angry, and at times, violent when they don't receive the feedback, praise, and admiration they expect, especially from partners," Terrell Strayhorn, a professor of education and psychology at Virginia Union University, told BI in 2023.

"Their superiority complex compels them to lash out — verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and physically — against those who disappoint them," Strayhorn said.

One way to soothe a narcissist is to empathize with their feelings, Greenberg said. 

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you might naturally have a lot of empathy. You may be able to use that trait to help control the situation.  

Greenberg suggested saying something like, "You must have felt very hurt by what I did. I can understand why you are feeling that way."

Stay calm, and use "we" language.

Saying "we" rather than "I" or "you" includes yourself in the behavior, Greenberg said. The narcissist is probably angry that you dared to defend yourself, so you can try and remind them you're in this together and that it would be better for everyone to stop.

Scigliano also recommended remaining calm, not sharing your feelings, and sticking only to the facts.

"Expressing emotions makes it easier for the narcissist to twist the conversation around and work you into a tizzy," she said.

Redirect them by asking about a topic that interests them.

Narcissists love talking about themselves and can be know-it-alls.

Dangle a new topic in front of their face to steer the conversation away from conflict. This might not be that effective in the midst of a fierce debate, but after some time has passed, the narcissist will probably take the bait.

Another tactic is to ask for advice. It's a slightly less transparent way of changing the subject that also makes the narcissist feel superior. 

Avoid taking the bait yourself.

As retaliation for whatever hurt they feel you've caused them, narcissists will bring up past slights or accuse you of being selfish at that moment. 

One way to deal with a narcissist is to "avoid engaging with them on their level," Jacques said. That could mean biting your tongue, even as they're spewing insults at you.  

Even an innocuous statement might provide a narcissist with ammo, Jacques said. "Take those opportunities away from them and you remove their power."

Greenberg also said that by ignoring the name-calling, you can often avoid the fight. If you respond to it, things are likely to escalate, and you're giving the narcissist exactly what they want — your pain.

Remember to put yourself first.

Being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist can be an emotionally draining, damaging process. Using these methods to deal with a narcissist may help deescalate upsetting and potentially dangerous, situations.

For most people, though, breaking up with a narcissist is the better, safer option. The very nature of being a narcissist means they don't see anything wrong with themselves, so they are unlikely to ever change or seek help. Ultimately, your energy is better off being used elsewhere.

If you suspect you might be in an abusive relationship, or you know someone who is, there are services you can reach out to. The MyPlan App from One Love and the National Domestic Abuse Hotline are resources that can help.

This article was first published in February 2018 and was last updated on January 10, 2025.

• Dr. Joel Warsh is a pediatrician based in Studio City.
• He's also dad to two boys, a 5-year-old and 10-month-old.
• His family had to evacuate their house early Wednesday morning.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Dr. Joel Warsh, a pediatrician with Integrative Pediatrics and Medicine in Los Angeles. It has been edited for length and clarity.

On Tuesday night, my wife and I put our sons to bed and then went to bed early ourselves, around 8 p.m. We knew we weren't likely to get a lot of sleep. Outside the back of our home, we could see the Palisades fire getting closer and closer.

It definitely wasn't the best sleep, but I managed to get some shut-eye. Then, at about 4:30 Wednesday morning, we got an alert that we needed to evacuate.

Our bags were already packed when we got the alert

We had already packed essentials like clothing, a few of the boys' favorite toys, and my wife's breast pump, plus our important documents like birth certificates. We grabbed the bags and our sons, who are 10 months and 5 years old, and drove to my in-laws' house in Studio City, near where I practice pediatrics.

My older son was excited to have a day with his grandparents. We talked with him a bit about the fires and he could see the smoke, but he didn't really understand what was going on.

By Friday the evacuation order for our home was lifted, but the fire still wasn't contained. I briefly returned home and saw that we only had slight wind damage. Inside, however, the air was hazy, like it gets when you're cooking something and burn it.

Even at my in-laws' house, the air quality wasn't great, so my family decided to head south toward San Diego for the weekend. We spent about $1,000 renting an Airbnb that could fit the extended family for two nights. Prices were actually cheaper than I thought they'd be, probably because people canceled trips to California.

I'm more worried about the emotional impact on kids than the physical

Earlier this week, I sent an email to all my patients. I reminded them to take their kids to the hospital if they have any acute trouble breathing. But if anything, I'm more worried about the mental and emotional impact of these fires on kids than the physical impact.

It's best if parents can help kids keep their routine as much as possible. We know from other disasters that when kids feel supported and know their parents are there for them, they fare better.

We'll do what we can to help and will remind our son he's safe

With my own son, I'm focusing on the helpers. Next week, we'll donate toys and other items to families who lost everything. Those families have much more acute stress to cope with than we do. How much to share about what's happening with children depends on the family and the individual child. While parents shouldn't hide things from kids, you don't want to tell them too much that it'll cause them stress, either.

Remind kids that they and their loved ones are safe. The rest you can figure out along the way, even if it needs to be done day by day. Helping children feel calm and supported rather than worried will help their long-term mental health.

Trump became the first US president to be sentenced with felony convictions. The president-elect, appearing remotely via video for the hush-money case, was given an unconditional discharge, which means he will not have to pay fines, serve prison time, or be under probation.

• Former DEI lead Maxine Williams tried to cushion the blow of Meta's plan to rollback DEI programs.
• The company has several employee-resource groups, known as MRGs.
• After more than a decade as Meta's Chief Diversity Officer, Williams is taking on a new role.

Meta Chief Diversity Officer Maxine Williams told staff in a memo on Friday that the company's decision to back off DEI efforts won't impact employee-resource groups, according to an internal post viewed by Business Insider.

Employee-resource groups, or ERGs, are worker-led communities that create a sense of belonging at a company. Meta has several of these groups. MRGs are Meta employee resource groups, and BRGs are Black employee resource groups.

In a post to an internal forum, Williams tried to cushion the blow of Meta's decision on Friday to rollback its diversity, equity, and inclusion program. Some staff criticized the move, while at least one worker called it "pretty reasonable."

"I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that these changes may be difficult to understand and process since they represent a significant shift in our strategies for achieving the cognitive diversity we value," Williams wrote.

She stressed that the changes won't impact Meta's support for MRGs and BRGs.

"You play a critical role in creating a place for community and connection — among us and with the company," she added.

"I have watched you show support, share resources, and bond through learning, understanding, and appreciating our various backgrounds. Our Global Communities contribute to the richness of our experiences as we learn from each other and leverage our different backgrounds, working together to build products for the world."

Williams has been Meta's chief diversity officer for more than a decade. On Friday, she told staff that she's taking on a new role focused on Accessibility and Engagement.

"But I, and my team, will continue to support you as contribute to our global community at Meta," she wrote. 

Do you work at Meta? Contact BI reporters from a nonwork email and device at [email protected] and [email protected].

• NATO pit elite divers against new sensors to protect undersea cables from sabotage.
• Foreign adversaries have increasingly targeted undersea cables and underwater infrastructure.
• The training marks another shift in how NATO countries are preparing for future warfare.

NATO sent special operations divers to test new systems designed to help shield critical underwater infrastructure from damage and sabotage, growing problems.

Underwater cables and pipelines providing internet connectivity and energy have been damaged in a string of alarming incidents in recent years, with accusations of sabotage being thrown around about several just in the past couple of months.

These incidents highlight the vulnerability of these lines, but the NATO alliance is looking for answers.

Last fall, elite special operations divers from within the NATO alliance practiced bypassing underwater electronic detection sensors as part of an effort to boost protection for critical underwater infrastructure. NATO shared footage this week of the November training event — Exercise Bold Machina 2024 in La Spezia, Italy — as well as commentary from leadership.

The 13-nation event was the first of its kind, said US Navy Capt. Kurt Muhler, the maritime development director at the NATO Special Operations Headquarters, and was designed to test new sensors that could be used to defend against underwater sabotage attempts. This exercise, which Defense News first reported on, also tested allied special operations divers and their abilities to operate in increasingly transparent battlespaces.

Divers on offensive operations may not always be able to rely on dark, opaque waters to conceal their movements, Muhler, who has held SEAL team leadership positions, said, citing increased advancements in underwater detection system technologies.

"It's not knowing if somebody knows, or if you're being detected," Muhler told Defense News last fall. "It is understanding that there is a system that has the capability to detect you, but that you know nothing about it and don't know exactly what the capability is."

Undersea cables, pipelines, and other critical underwater infrastructure are at risk

The joint exercise in Italy came as damage to critical underwater infrastructure has become increasingly worrisome to Western officials who are scrambling to deter more damage to cables from vessels often quietly linked to Russian and Chinese governments.

Several underwater cables have been damaged in the past two months, including one telecommunications line linking Finland and Germany and another connecting Finland and Estonia.

Finnish officials said that they found a 60-mile seabed trail suggesting a tanker linked to Russia might be responsible for cutting cables. And around the same time, cables linking Germany and Finland and Sweden and Estonia were damaged with a Chinese vessel detected nearby when the damage occurred.

Such damage has spurred British defense officials to create a new joint operation with 10 European countries throughout the Baltic Sea area, using artificial intelligence to monitor potential threats from ships.

Undersea cables are critical components of international telecommunication infrastructure and the global economy — around 745,000 miles of cables span global seabeds and help transmit 95% of international data, including around $10 trillion in financial transactions daily.

NATO officials highlighted growing threats to cables from Russia last year, noting surveillance activity from Russian units specializing in undersea sabotage. But the barrier to entry for sabotage isn't particularly high. Russia has submarine units known to specialize in underwater sabotage, but cables have also been damaged by commercial vessels simply dragging their anchors along the sea floor.

And the concerns about the risk of underwater cable and infrastructure damage are not limited to European waters. Damage just last week to cables off the coast of Taiwan left that island's officials suspecting intentional damage from China.

"The underwater domain is hard both to protect and hard to attack," said Alberto Tremori, a NATO Centre for Maritime Research and Experimentation scientist who helped oversee the November NATO exercise. "It's not easy to protect because it's a complex environment, it's a vast environment."