• When I became a mom, it was hard to stay connected with some of my old friends.
• I formed unexpected friendships with women who I could bond with over the challenges of motherhood.
• Supportive mom friends have helped me navigate parenting struggles and foster a sense of community.

When I became a mom, some friendships got lost along the way, but my new-to-me mom village gathered round. My new group wasn't filled with the women I expected it to be. My other friends had mostly come from school or work. These new friends were people I'd never crossed paths with before, thrown together by circumstance. It was wonderful to be amongst so many different women who shared a common bond.

This Mother's Day, I'm taking time to reflect on these women who have helped me morph into the person I am now, and how they've helped bring out the best in me.

They understand the struggle

Scrolling through social media one morning in mid-2021, I came across a photo of three of my friends and their partners all on vacation together. I was freshly postpartum, with a month-old newborn attached to me at all times. I was the first of my group to have a baby, and I felt so stung by the news that my friends were on vacation without me, that it brought me to tears. I'd been left behind.

As I sobbed to my husband he could only reassure me that they didn't mean to make me feel so left out. 'They probably knew you wouldn't be able to come, so they didn't want to make you feel bad by inviting you,' he said. He thought they were being clumsily protective, but I couldn't get past what I saw as a betrayal.

It wasn't until I spoke to my mom friends that I found others had experienced similar things. "People don't understand," one mom texted me in reply to my anguished messages."The only thing you can do is try not to make anyone else ever feel this way."

And she was right. While I felt lost among the friends who couldn't understand how extraordinarily life-changing parenthood is, those who had trodden the path before me were right there to help. They showed me the struggle between being a parent and trying to regain some of my old self is very real, but something I needed to make peace with.

They understand that life isn't a competition

I was at my friend's house one day when my nearly one-year-old son stood up. I waited with baited breath, holding out my arms encouragingly towards him, but that was it. After standing absolutely still, he plonked back down on his bottom, and refused to get up again. Meanwhile, my friend's son, just a few days older, was walking across the room. I despaired. I was worried he would never do it. He simply refused to take even one tottering step. My friend watched as I got more and more worked up about it.

"Don't compare them," she told me. Then she began to point out things which my son could do, which her baby couldn't yet.

As she listed his focus and his skills at pointing, I realized how silly I had been to fixate on just one achievement. While I felt ashamed that it had taken someone who wasn't his mother to show me that he was advancing in his own way, in his own time, but extremely grateful that she'd seen what I, as an anxious mom, couldn't see in that moment.

They treat my children as their own

One day, as my doorbell rang, my daughter screeched with excitement and ran to answer it. On the doorstep stood one of my closest mom friends. With two children the same age as mine, we loved spending time together. And no one loved it more than my daughter. She threw herself into my friend's arms, hugging her tightly and begging her to come and see her new toys. And when we loaded up the strollers and went outside for a walk, it was my friend's hand she reached for as she crossed the road. It was my friend who said "You need to walk on the pavement, not run," and my daughter actually listened.

It made my heart fill with happiness that my friend wasn't simply being friendly towards my daughter, she actually cared enough about her to try and keep her safe in the same way she would her own children. It helped me realize that as moms, we're all in this together.

They help make me the mom I am

Those little moments — and so many more — stay in my heart. Without the love and support of my mom friends I'd be a very different person, a much less confident mom, and my children would have fewer people who loved them. Without them, I wouldn't be me, and I'm so grateful to them all.

• As a new mom living in a new area I felt isolated and craved adult interaction.
• Making friends as an adult is terrifyingly different than connecting with people at work or school.
• After putting myself out there, I met a lot of duds, but also made lasting connections.

I remember sitting in my feeding chair at 3 a.m. one night, clutching my newborn and feeling like the loneliest person in the world. Desperate for an adult connection with someone who understood the life I was now thrust into, I tapped out a needy message to a Facebook group full of women I'd never met.

"I've recently moved here and I have a toddler and a week-old baby, does anyone want to meet for a coffee?" I typed out.

I pressed send, tossed my phone on the bed and hoped my baby would sleep after her feed.

The next morning I woke up to a message from another mom,"We recently moved here, too, and my baby is 10 days old, let's meet. Coffee tomorrow?"

I was pleased and nervous.

I was in a serious relationship before dating apps really took off, so I wasn't used to putting myself out there and trying to actively meet people online. At school or work I'd made friends because we were in the same place at the same time. It was easy. Outside of work I had a circle of friends I'd known for years. This situation felt terrifyingly different, but I needed company, support, and to find people going through exactly the same experience I was. So I was determined to put myself out there and give it a go.

I felt like I was prepping for a date

On the big day, I thought about every single detail from my clothes, to opening lines, and conversation starters. I told my husband where I was going, in case the other mom was a murderous psychopath, and after my eldest daughter went off to nursery school, I bundled up my baby and walked slowly to our rendezvous with a nervous pit in my stomach.

When I arrived, I looked around, trying to work out which mom with a stroller was there for me, and feeling panicky.

But as soon as we sat down and exchanged our slightly stilted introductions, things started to flow. It was like we'd met each other before, in another life. Conversation came easily and we quickly realized there were many similarities between us. There were only 4 days between our babies and our older children were also similar ages and starting the same sports club, at the same time. It seemed like our connection was meant to be.

I came away from the date feeling positive. I'd made a friend. Since then, we've spoken regularly and seen each other every couple of weeks. Our children are friends and our families hang out together, too.

Not all friendship dates are created equal

Of course, for every genuine connection, it seems that there are a lot of duds out there, too. On one first meetup, the conversation with another woman was so painful that I reverted to work mode and started asking interview-style questions because it was all I could think of to do. After all, everyone likes talking about themselves.

Proving my point, during another first meetup my mom date spoke about herself for the whole two hours we were together. I'm not sure she even asked my baby's name. Unsurprisingly, at the end of both of these meetings, there was no hint of a second outing.

Awkwardly, one of the moms is someone I cross paths with every so often out and about. Sometimes we trade brief, insincere comments with each other, but nothing more.

And this is all okay. I know that I won't be to everyone's taste and others won't be to mine. This was a lesson I learned when I was dating, and it's something that is still relevant now. It's the way of the world and something I'm constantly trying to teach my children. They don't have to be friends with everyone, but they do need to be kind.

Putting myself out there, braving these mom dates has found me some of my best friends but also landed me in some seriously cringey moments. Friend dating is not for the faint-hearted, but it is definitely worth the time and effort.