• So many of our daughter's friends had cell phones, some even got them in elementary school.
• She was able to get by without one for a while, but I became her default social coordinator.
• We reevaluated our needs in 8th grade and got her a phone when she was 14.

Several years ago, my husband and I found ourselves facing a big parenting decision: At what age should we get our oldest child, who was 11 at the time, her own phone? Up until this point in parenting, our choices regarding devices had been relatively conservative. We did not have tablets for our young toddlers, and we did not have any gaming consoles or iPads for our children as they grew older. But we quickly realized that with middle school on the horizon, there was the social assumption that our child will have her own phone.

I recall my daughter being in her last year of elementary school (fifth grade where we are) and telling me that all the kids in her class had phones and brought them to school. Now, I'm sure not all of them did, but she certainly felt like she was in the minority by not having one. Turns out, she was right. From watching YouTube videos on the bus to school to sharing selfies and browsing TikTok, many of her classmates were already equipped with their own phones and social media accounts — in elementary school!

The timing wasn't right for us

We had always told our daughter that she'd get a phone when she was older. We didn't know if it would be when she was in middle school or when she was a teenager, we just knew it would be sometime later. It felt way too early for her to have access to the world in her pocket. Plus, who was she going to call or text anyway? She saw her friends at school or sports practice every day and was often able to play in the neighborhood with her buddies.

This, of course, was met with some frustration initially, but she understood our stance as parents and didn't seem to mind not having her own phone, honestly. We coordinated her time with friends as we always had, since those very first preschool playdates with other moms and her classmates. I took care of it.

At some point along the way, while she was still in elementary school, I learned about the "Wait Until 8th" pledge and how it encourages parents to wait to get their kids a smartphone until the end of eighth grade. Initially, this sounded like an amazing idea to both my husband and me. By following this pledge, we would preserve our daughter's childhood through middle school and would delay the inevitable issues that will come with her having access to much-older content via a smartphone. We pledged to each other that this was our plan. Little did we know that we'd be some of the only parents in our social group doing this.

Things started to change in middle school

When middle school started, we asked around to see which kids had phones and which didn't. It seemed that nearly three out of four kids did. Our decision really wasn't influenced by those results; rather, we made our decision based on personal values and research we had done around children and access to phones and social media. Sixth and seventh grade went by, and we found it was manageable to communicate with our daughter when we needed to, she'd often ask another parent to text us or call from a phone in her school's office.

What I wasn't prepared for, however, was how I was stuck coordinating all her social plans, and often with her own friends! The majority of her friends' parents stopped being as involved with social planning because they had gotten their kids phones, and they were now managing it on their own. My daughter not only felt left out of the planning, she was sometimes left out all together when she wasn't invited to group gatherings because her friends didn't have direct access to her.

I also often felt irritated and annoyed trying to get a hold of parents who used to do the planning with me. They had cut out the middleman and moved on to a different social landscape without us. Eventually, the frustration seemed to outweigh the negatives of having a phone in our eyes, so we thought long and hard and decided to reevaluate our stance.

For 8th grade, we reevaluated our needs

Fast-forward to the summer before eighth grade, and we realized that our daughter really did need a phone. Not for social media, mindless scrolling, or binge-watching shows, but just to be able to take her own photos and communicate with us and with her friends on her own terms (with parental guidance in place).

We surprised her with a phone this past fall and she has been extremely grateful, responsible, and mindful about its usage. She texts and FaceTimes her friends, takes a ton of photos, has an app that tells her when to water her plants, and sometimes sneaks in an episode or two of "The Office" before bed. She does not have any social media apps and we do not plan to allow her to have any until she is 16, she's 14 now. I'm curious to see if we make it to eighth grade with our younger child, or if we will shift perspectives on access to technology with this ever-changing world.

• After much deliberation, my husband and I decided to let our daughter have a cell phone at 11.
• We laid down important ground rules, some of which were broken.
• The rules evolved as our daughter got older, emphasizing balance, safety, and open communication.

As parents, we all want to make the best decisions for our children, but there's no handbook for navigating the modern digital world. When my husband and I decided to give our 11-year-old daughter her first cell phone, it wasn't a decision we took lightly. Like many parents, we wrestled with the pros and cons. Would it keep her safe and connected, or expose her to risks like screen addiction and online strangers?

Social pressure didn't help, seeing her peers with phones made us question if we were holding her back. But ultimately, the decision came down to trust, readiness, and necessity. Now that my daughter is 13, I've had time to reflect on our decision, the lessons we learned, and what worked for us.

She knew a cell phone was not just a toy

When COVID hit and online schooling became the norm, we quickly realized that a phone wasn't merely a luxury, it became a crucial tool for education. My daughter had to take her online classes via Zoom and stay connected with her teachers through Google Classroom, both of which she could do on a phone. My husband and I also needed a way to check in on the kids during the day. My daughter, being the eldest, had already shown responsibility in other areas; completing her homework on time, following household rules, and helping her younger brother with his schoolwork. After many discussions, we felt she was ready.

I'll never forget the day we handed her the phone. Her eyes lit up with excitement, and she immediately started exploring its features. But we made it clear: this wasn't just a toy. It came with rules, responsibilities, and expectations.

There were rules, and some were broken

We set clear rules from the start: limited screen time, no apps without permission, and no phones in the bedroom at night. We also encouraged her to use the phone productively by reading articles, listening to podcasts, or exploring educational content. And we made sure that at dinner, we'd discuss what she learned, turning screen time into a shared experience.

But let's be real, rules were broken. One of the biggest challenges we faced was the realization that we couldn't control everything. There were times she exceeded screen limits or got too absorbed in games.

She also started making friends through gaming apps. While most of these interactions were innocent, they made me uneasy. Online safety is a major concern for any parent, and this was no exception. It was a wake-up call. These hiccups were frustrating, but they also taught us the importance of flexibility and communication.

For us, teaching was better than punishment

Instead of punishing her when rules were broken, we reinforced boundaries and talked about why our rules mattered. We doubled down on teaching her about online safety, privacy, and the importance of coming to us if something felt off.

Trust became a two-way street: we trusted her to make good choices, and she trusted us to guide her without judgment. I realized that while I can't control every interaction she has, I can be there to guide her when she needs me. I recall a specific incident that truly reinforced our approach. One evening, after a few days of quiet apprehension, my daughter came to me and shared that she had received a friend request from someone she didn't know on a gaming app. Rather than reacting with concern, I saw it as an opportunity to educate her. I sat down with her and asked open-ended questions about the situation, how the request made her feel, what she thought about the person behind it, and what she would do if the interaction continued.

We discussed the red flags in online interactions and the importance of privacy, emphasizing that no compliment or invitation was worth compromising her safety. I shared some guidelines on how to assess such situations and reassured her that she could always come to me without fear of harsh judgment.

That conversation not only strengthened our mutual trust but also empowered her to make safer choices online. After that, I felt that she became more confident and secure, and she began sharing her online experiences with ease. That really showed me that setting clear boundaries and keeping the conversation open creates a supportive space where trust builds and good decisions come naturally.

Our guidance is always evolving

As she's grown, so have our rules. At 13, our daughter now has more freedom online, but with that comes greater responsibility. We've increased her screen time slightly, allowed her to use social media (with supervision), and encouraged her to explore her interests. But the core principles remain: balance, safety, and open communication.

Looking back, giving her a phone was the right decision. It's been a journey of learning, adapting, and growing, for her and for us. There were challenges, but they taught us valuable lessons about trust, boundaries, and the importance of staying connected in a digital world.

Now, as my son approaches his 11th birthday, we're preparing to give him his first cell phone. This time, we feel more confident, thanks to the lessons we've learned with our daughter. We'll start with the same foundation of rules and open communication, but we're also ready to adapt to his unique needs and personality.