• My eldest had a severe food reaction that sent us to the ER when she was 5 months old.
• I wanted to avoid repeating that traumatic experience so I took control of all aspects of our lives.
• I thought if I could keep my child safe then I was a good mother. My helicopter parenting backfired.

I've been a parent for almost 12 years. If there's one thing I've learned, parenting is the ultimate reminder that you cannot control much in life. I learned this lesson the hard way.

After a traumatic birth and emergency C-section, my first child was born with a severe food allergy to dairy. Of course, I didn't know this right away.

It became clear one night after a frantic trip to the Emergency Room with a 5-month-old baby. I spent months after that ER visit trying to control every aspect of our lives to protect us from experiencing another reaction.

Surprisingly, my attempts worked. We did not have another reaction for many years. Ergo, I reasoned that if I could control all aspects of our lives as well, then we would be safe.

I had an ingrained belief that if I could keep my child safe, then I was a good mother. I really wanted to be a good mother.

Controlling our lives wasn't a winning strategy

I never wanted my child to feel like she wasn't normal or wasn't enough. So, I inadvertently became a helicopter parent.

I swayed her friend choices to people who would respect our limitations. I swayed our outings to places where I felt comfortable and knew we would be protected, not necessarily the places where we would have new experiences or grow.

I was so afraid of what my life would be like if something really bad happened that I kept us from living a full life. This translated to my other child, who became completely dependent on me.

At some point, I knew they would need to be able to exist independently; I just wasn't sure how to let go. I didn't know how to hold the uncertainty of their independence, so I avoided allowing it.

I eventually ended up divorced, out of touch with myself as a person and as a parent, and with two very small children depending on me to keep them safe and show them the way.

Emotionally exhausted, post-divorce, I just couldn't do it anymore. So, I did what parents often do. I committed to figuring it out.

I can't control much, but I can still be a good mother

I did a lot of deep reflection during the COVID-19 pandemic and learned to tune back into myself.

I sought therapy to challenge why I was so afraid and learned ways to overcome those fears.

I practiced being alone, going to new places, and trying new things like hiking and paddleboarding. Then, I shared those experiences with my kids.

After I learned to love and be myself again, I started to see my children for who they were instead of what I thought they should be.

I believe them when they tell me what they think, want, and dislike. I don't try to dissuade them anymore.

I've spent most of the last five years facing and working to overcome my fears. It's been worth it to watch my kids blossom. They have friends, social lives, and favorite places to eat, and we've also traveled a bit.

Watching my eldest on the beach in Hawaii with a smile as big as the ocean is a moment I'll always cherish.

Of course, over the years, my eldest has had more food allergy reactions. Each one is terrifying at the moment, but we've learned to grow from these experiences, like understanding to recognize which foods are safe and how to branch outside her comfort zone.

I cannot control much about life, at all, but I can figure out how to live and parent in a supportive way.

• I thought I was done having kids when I had two, which included challenging C-sections.
• I was in a new relationship with someone who wanted kids, so I reexamined how I felt.
• I felt more empowered having a kid later in life and have no regrets.

I went through a lot to have my kids, ages 11 and 9. After two painful and challenging C-sections, I was done having kids.

I was mostly a stay-at-home mom and the default parent. Feeling buried by that weight culminated in a divorce in 2020. In a memoir, I chronicled the aftermath of finding myself in life and motherhood. Writing helped me process my journey through divorce to reclaim my life as a woman and as a mother.

I found the courage to ask myself the tough questions about who I wanted to be and then took action to be that person. After a while, I found the healthy relationship I longed for.

I swore I was done with two kids, thinking it would be just as awful and hard the third time around. I'm glad I was wrong.

I felt something was missing

During the pandemic, I could feel something deeply missing in my life. Taking a chance, I reconnected with an old friend online. We met up for socially distanced hiking, and over a few months, we became close and fell in love.

I promised myself I would be real from the start; I did not want to have another kid. He wanted to experience all of fatherhood from the start.

He deeply loved my two kids and showed up for them. But he still wanted kids of his own, and I could empathize with that desire.

Still, I wondered if I would be able to do it all again. Did I have it in me to go back to the beginning and face the hardest parts all over again?

I was deeply skeptical but willing to examine what I needed to say yes. I'm exceptionally proud of myself for doing this work. The fear inside me was keeping me safe with a blanket statement not to revisit that season of life again. However, a deeper part of me could see a child for the two of us, creating a loving family of interconnected lives.

I wrote all my fears down

I took a tip from the hard lessons I'd just learned from my divorce. I wrote down everything I was afraid of and took it to my partner. I got real about what it would look like for me to consider pregnancy and motherhood again.

I was 30 when I had my second child, and I'd be 39 when I had my third if we started right away.

These hard conversations set the stage to feel safe enough to dive in again. We worked together to create a plan to clear up how we'd merge our lives together. We set the ground rules for how we would parent as a team.

Even though I was scared, I knew this was the path for me. I could feel the baby, spiritually, long before the lines on the pregnancy test turned pink.

Being pregnant in my late 30s was different

I am so happy I am a mom to three kids, but I won't lie and say it was all smooth sailing. At 39, several things hit differently than at 29.

I can't stand the term "geriatric pregnancy," and I told off a couple of nurses who dared speak it in front of me. I had gestational diabetes, and I had to advocate for my best care. I was very intentional about what support would look like before, during, and after the birth. I finally received and took all the paid leave available to me, as did my now-husband.

Yes, having one last kid later in life has its pluses and minuses. I felt more empowered the third time around, and I was wrong about it being the same as before. I had a positive experience and got the family I wanted.