Eldest daughters tend to be their parents' favorite kids. Here's why it isn't always a good thing.
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- A new study explored how birth order, gender, and personality traits influence parental favoritism.
- It found that parents tend to prefer their oldest kids and also daughters.
- Parents may show preferential treatment toward eldest daughters, who they see as more responsible.
It's a fact of life that parents play favorites, but which children are favored more — and why — is an ongoing topic of research.
A recent study, published in the journal Psychological Bulletin in January, has shed some light on the matter, in hopes of pointing out how favoritism doesn't end well for anyone involved.
Which child parents are more likely to favor
The Brigham Young University researchers analyzed data from over 19,000 participants in 30 studies and 14 databases across North America and Western Europe.
They examined how birth order, gender, temperament, and personality played a role in favoritism and found that parents primarily tend to favor elder children, agreeable children, and daughters.
The data couldn't explain why this is the case, but the researchers have their theories.
Why parents favor eldest daughters
For example, daughters might be favored over sons because they're easier to parent and have more effortful control — the ability to sit still and ignore distractions.
Parents might also grant more autonomy, a measure of favoritism in the study, to older siblings because they are more "developmentally capable" than younger siblings.
Moreover, because eldest daughters may naturally take on more responsibilities and ease household burdens, "parents may naturally invest more in them," Annie Wright, a therapist practicing in California, told Business Insider.
She added that many cultures socialize girls to be "more emotionally expressive, empathetic, and communicative — traits that may make them more likable and easier for parents to bond with."
At the same time, the golden child can also wear a heavy crown.
The consequences of being the favorite
Wright is the eldest of six and identifies with eldest-daughter syndrome.
She told BI that there's a "shadow side" to being the favorite, such as people-pleasing and feeling relentless pressure to perform. Over time, it can lead to resentment and tension between siblings, Wright said.
Moreover, eldest daughters like Wright — who was given more chores growing up — can feel overly responsible for others. This mentality can eventually put them in a position as the caretakers in their families, a role that some lament because they feel like it holds them back.
Despite the societal messaging that women should make their own decisions, "there's still pressure for girls to care for the emotional needs of people in their immediate surroundings," Dr. Michelle Janning, a professor of sociology at Whitman College, told BI.
She added that these two expectations — to be great caretakers and to reach their ambitions — aren't mutually exclusive. "They are both in existence, but what's not happening maybe is how to manage both of them," she said.
In practice, it can lead to burnout and workaholism. Wright, for example, said she used to work 80-hour weeks while missing time spent with her daughter.
Wright added that eldest daughters, as a result, can also struggle with self-expression and independence later in life.
That said, life isn't too rosy for the less-favored kids, either.
Parents can make small adjustments
The study's authors believe that less-favored kids, like more defiant younger sons, are "at greater risk for maladaptive outcomes" because they receive less support from their parents.
In general, playing favorites isn't good for anyone involved and "negative outcomes happen for all siblings in the family," said Dr. Alexander C. Jensen, an associate professor at BYU and the study's lead researcher,
Parents can do small things to improve the dynamic, Wright said. They can ask themselves if they impose similar rules on their kids or if they provide more emotional attention to one child. And if they sense disparities, it's time to "level things out."
