• Tori Dunlap is a multimillionaire while her partner made $60,000 in 2024.
• The couple, who talked about money on their first date, prioritize transparency and communication.
• They discussed prenups and splitting expenses equitably, avoiding traditional gender roles.

This as-told-to essay is based on conversations with Tori Dunlap, a 30-year-old Seattle-based financial educator, and her partner. They both asked that his identity be kept concealed for privacy reasons.

Dunlap is the founder of Her First 100K, a financial education company geared toward Gen Z and millennial women. She is also a multimillionaire, New York Times best-selling author, and podcast host.

Her partner has a graduate degree in athletics and works multiple jobs within the athletics and education space. He supplements his income with side gigs such as dog-sitting and private training and made around $60,000 in 2024.

The couple has been together for over two and a half years. They spoke with Business Insider to share how they manage and discuss money in their relationship. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

Dunlap: We started talking about money on our first date. By then, he knew feminism was a huge part of my work and values.

When the bill came, I could tell there was some sort of internal conflict. He said, "I would really like to pay, but I don't want to offend you. Can I pay?"

Partner: I wasn't sure what the expectation was in terms of who pays or splitting the bill, so that was my way of saying that I'd like to pay for the bill. The meal was something like $100, which wasn't as much to Tori, but was quite a bit for me at the time.

Dunlap: It was really sweet. For me, that was an immediate green flag that ended up being a good sign for our financial conversations and the rest of our relationship. It's sometimes hard to have these conversations, but they prevent you from feeling resentment and souring your relationship, so I think they're 100% necessary.

We know almost all of each other's finances. I know how much he has in his Roth IRA, he knows how much I have in my brokerage account. We've known each other's salaries since very early on.

And because we know how much each other makes, I'm not going to put him in a position where he feels like he has to spend way more money than I know he's willing to spend just to please me.

My success doesn't intimidate him

Partner: When we met, she and I were in such different positions in terms of finances and careers. It felt like I had two options: I could be intimidated and feel threatened by her, or I could see it as her life and what she's built.

When looking at somebody like Tori, who's incredibly successful, it could be easy to worry about how she might view me. I remember thinking about how we don't roll in the same circles and live in very different worlds.

Dunlap: I remember around three months into our relationship, I'd bought us lunch at a teriyaki restaurant. He was very vulnerable and sweet and said to me, "I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel sometimes that I'm not doing enough or providing enough as a man. I want this to be an equal relationship, and I'm worried sometimes it doesn't feel that way for you."

Partner: But she was incredibly understanding and supportive, and so even from an early stage, I realized that I could come to her, and she would be willing to listen.

Dunlap: I thought it was so brave of him to be so vulnerable in this conversation. I've realized how much patriarchy and gender roles seep in — the mindset that men are supposed to be providers, make more money, take their girlfriends out on dates all the time, and pay for everything.

I don't feel that way, especially since I make more.

We split expenses based on equity, not equality

Dunlap: I told him that, regarding money, I'm not looking for equality; I'm looking for equity. I don't need him to split things 50-50 with me because that's not fair or equitable.

Partner: In my previous relationships, it was mostly 50-50; if somebody covered drinks, the other person got the meals. For Tori and me, that doesn't make any sense. We typically try to split about 30-70, which feels pretty fair.

Dunlap: I also have a more expensive lifestyle than he does. If I'm interested in going out to dinner someplace that I know is out of his budget, I'll pay for it because I was the one who wanted to go, and it feels unfair for me to make that decision but still ask him to pay for his meal.

As for housing, I rent a three-bedroom, two-bath townhouse for $3,250 a month. I've lived alone since 2018 and, frankly, love it.

Partner: I live with three of my friends and pay $975 a month. Since Tori and I don't live together, we don't have to split those costs, but we've had conversations about what it would look like.

Dunlap: If we did move in together and the rent was $3,000, I wouldn't ask him to pay $1,500 because that is not commensurate with how much we each make.

We also set expectations ahead of time. We went to Europe the past two summers, and before we left, we had a conversation about who was covering which costs. I covered the flight there and most of the accommodations, much of it using points, and he covered the shorter flights between locations while on the trip.

It's not about how much you make — it's what you do with it

Dunlap: One of my favorite things in the world is that I outearn almost any man I talk to. I don't need a man to spend his money on me to remind me that I'm worth it, but I do need him to be there when my parents get sick someday, and I'm not doing well, and I'm going to be there for him.

My partner shows me he loves me in a million different ways, some of which involve money and most of which don't.

One of the things that I love about him is that even though he doesn't make a ton of money, he maxes out his Roth IRA every year. I was honestly kind of shocked that he was managing to do that.

It's not how much money you make, it's about what you do with it.

Partner: My parents didn't make a whole lot growing up, and they talked to my sister and me about money from a pretty early age.

When I was in middle school, if we did all of our chores for the week, we got $6 to spend, $3 to save, and $1 to share. I've always been a saver. Even from an early age, I usually took my "spend" money and put it into my savings.

When I was in high school and college, my parents helped me put some money away to get the ball rolling, and they always told me to max out my Roth IRA. I also watched a lot of YouTube videos from financial channels to understand more.

Dunlap: It's all about habits and behavior. I truly think, especially in a relationship, money is not everything, but how somebody uses money is a good sign of how responsible they are.

Learning to move past a scarcity mindset is important

Partner: I had a scarcity mindset for quite a few years. Back in 2022, I had four different jobs, coached in multiple organizations, and wasn't paid very well. I budgeted a lot, down to the cent. I was very cognizant of how much I made and where the money was sitting.

Dunlap: It was really difficult for him to believe he was worth spending his own money on, or that eating at a slightly nicer place wasn't a waste of money, or that he could invest in enjoying his hobbies even if he wasn't making money from them.

Partner: I think the biggest thing I've learned from Tori is that it's OK to spend money on yourself and splurge from time to time.

Dunlap: I celebrated my past two birthdays while we were in Europe, and both times, we went to Michelin-star restaurants that he paid for as a birthday gift.

Prenups and thinking about the future

Dunlap: I think by the third month of dating, I brought up the word "prenup."

Partner: I was surprised and taken aback at first. None of my friends and their partners are in a situation like ours, so that's never been a thing. My parents didn't have a prenup, and none of my family members have prenups.

Dunlap: I think hearing the word prenup has a lot of emotional weight for most people. But every single person who gets married has a "prenup" — it's just usually already decided by the state. At least we can decide if the government-assigned "prenup" is actually what we want.

And I always say that going through the prenup process largely prevents you from ever having to use it because you're being so transparent about money and what you each care about.

Partner: The more we talked and the more I thought about it, it didn't really phase me. I completely understand that she's worked really hard to get to where she is, and she wants to make sure that she protects herself.

Dunlap: I strongly believe each person in a relationship should have some of their own money and then a joint bank account, so we wouldn't ever completely combine our finances.

Ultimately, who you choose as a partner is a financial decision that will impact you for the rest of your life.

I wouldn't go into business with somebody without understanding how they managed money or what their goals were. It's the same thing with partners, but love is involved, so people think it's not a business decision. But it actually is.

If you and your partner have a unique way of managing money and would like to share your story, email Jane Zhang at [email protected].