• A software engineer left a FAANG company for Oracle in 2024 due to a cultural mismatch.
• He felt micromanaged and a lack of trust at the FAANG company even though he worked intense hours.
• Oracle offered a structured onboarding process and a collaborative environment, and he plans to stay.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with a 27-year-old software engineer at Oracle who previously worked at a FAANG company. The source's name and full employment history are known to Business Insider but are not named to protect their privacy. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

In March 2022, I interviewed with a FAANG company for a software engineering role.

I heard back from my final round within a few days and started about three weeks after signing the offer. I didn't stay at the FAANG company very long because the culture was not a fit for me.

I'm now at Oracle and don't plan on leaving. Here's how my work experiences at both companies compare.

The FAANG company seemed more focused on personality fit during the interview process

After an HR screen and a tech screen, I had a final round of four interviews back-to-back, each lasting 45 minutes. Three interviewers were senior engineers, and one was the hiring manager.

The personality questions were more detailed than the technical questions. They wanted to know if I demonstrated the company's leadership principles, so they asked questions like "Can you tell me about a time you affected change in a company?" and "Can you tell me about a time you went above and beyond for a customer?"

The technical questions were on standard LeetCode and system design. I was asked to whiteboard and design a service similar to Instagram and discuss how I'd engineer it to scale to a billion users.

The FAANG company sought candidates willing to work long hours

The interviewers didn't ask directly how long I was willing to work, but they asked: "Tell me about a time when you had to meet an aggressive deadline." The hiring manager also told me the team I'd be joining was fairly new and wanted to roll out the technology they were developing quickly.

I did notice a few more red flags. Everyone I interviewed with had joined within the past year and a half. Most folks I interviewed with at Oracle had been at the company for four to six years.

One of the senior engineers at the FAANG company said it's fast-paced and has a work-hard culture, so there's a lot of turnover. However, I'd also get to learn a lot and work on features that millions of customers would use, and I was looking forward to that experience.

My Oracle interview process took longer

I interviewed with Oracle in February 2024 and started in March.

The steps were the same, but the Oracle process focused more on technical ability than the FAANG company.

In the final round, I was interviewed by two senior engineers, the hiring manager, and a product manager. The senior engineers and my hiring manager also asked me standard LeetCode and system design questions. My hiring manager asked if I had data center experience, which I didn't. The product manager asked me to go deep into the technical stuff I previously worked on.

The offer negotiation process was pretty similar for both companies

Both times, I had competing offers and asked them to match compensation. They matched it by increasing the amount of vested stock they'd give me, and I got a 10% total compensation increase from both.

Oracle's RSU vesting is spread evenly across four years. At the FAANG company, the four-year stock vest schedule was 5% for year one, 15% for year two, 40% for year three, and 40% for year four.

After my first year at the FAANG company, I received a 3% raise on my base pay. I haven't received a raise at Oracle yet.

I found Oracle's onboarding process to be much more structured

The initial few weeks at both companies were spent getting access to code bases, familiarizing myself with the teams' work, and having a lot of 1:1 meetings.

At Oracle, everyone helped explain the organization's overall mission. The team had an onboarding document that I could follow that outlined expectations.

There was no structure or clear expectations in the first few weeks at the FAANG company. Management also didn't focus much on helping people get onboarded.

My FAANG coworkers seemed very focused on their level of seniority

Almost every single engineer I met in my first week at the FAANG company either asked me a question about how I could help them get a promotion or was very closed off and wouldn't communicate much. One midlevel engineer asked me in our first meeting whether I'd be open to being "mentored" by him so he could use me as a data point to support his coming promotion.

Another engineer I met with told me, "That is between me and my manager," when I asked him about his long-term career goals during our first meeting. I asked my skip-level manager a question about the team, and he told me my question was better suited for a lower-level manager, not him.

At Oracle, everyone was friendly and gave me information and advice on succeeding.

Oracle has a sense of teamwork and collaboration that the FAANG company did not have

In my experience, micromanagement is virtually nonexistent at Oracle. Management and executives allow engineers and other contributors to set their own deadlines and expectations. I felt trusted.

The culture at the FAANG company was one of the most intense I've been part of. My teammates and I regularly worked until late into the night, and there was lots of micromanagement, which is one of the reasons I left. It felt like there was a lack of trust in lower-level employees.

It affected both my mental and physical health. My sleep pattern was chaotic, and I skipped a lot of meals because of the constant stress and anxiety.

Since I left the FAANG company for Oracle, I haven't looked back

The final straw was when the FAANG company asked me to relocate to a different state with three-months notice. I told my manager I'd move but immediately started searching for external jobs.

I got my Oracle offer shortly after. When I finally gave my two weeks' notice at the FAANG company, I felt a huge weight lifted off my chest.

Changing companies improved my mental health, and my stress levels dropped dramatically. I plan to stay at Oracle long-term.

Want to share your Big Tech job experience? Email Lauryn Haas at [email protected].

• Founding partner Alex Witt shared three venture capital predictions for the next decade.
• Witt says that managers who've launched less than three funds will get more attention.
• He also says that five key technologies and the African market will see more investments.

Since venture capital funds plummeted from 2021 to 2023, VCs are looking for ways to stop the pain and regain a sense of control over their future. Still, many VCs predict the industry will significantly decline in 2025 due to high interest rates.

Alex Witt, general partner at Verda Ventures and cofounder of the payment platform SWFT Blockchain agrees with recent predictions. Based on his 14 years of experience in finance and technology, Witt also gave Business Insider three more core predictions for the VC industry's next decade.

He believes technological opportunity combined with changing demographics will shape the VC experience over the next 10 years, creating more investment space for emerging managers, five key technologies, and Africa.

1. Emerging managers will drive the highest returns in the next decade

As limited partners recognize that successful Fund 1s don't necessarily translate into successful Fund 2s or 3s, the VC landscape will see a greater focus on new managers who've launched less than three funds.

"Emerging managers have been traditionally underfunded despite their success," Witt explained.

For context, Witt explained that larger funds have a track record of underperforming: only 17% of funds larger than $750 million return over 2.5 times of capital. Yet smaller funds have been proven to consistently outperform.

"Funds under $249 million are disproportionately represented in the top decile and quartile of performers," he said. Witt explained that targeting smaller, high-performing funds will be critical for future success.

2. VCs have an unprecedented chance to back five transformative technologies

According to Witt, we're entering a new "industrial renaissance" fueled by breakthroughs in five key technologies he believes have massive VC potential.

• Generative AI: Witt predicts that key players in this arena will be companies with unique datasets, such as Google with YouTube data and xAI with X and Tesla data. Generative AI will even affect the finance and pharmaceutical industries.

  "Some impacts of generative AI to watch for include drug discovery with even faster trials and finance with real-time, data-driven trading.

• Robotics: Witt pointed to innovations like generative AI-driven physical AI — for example, Nvidia — and referenced Tesla. "Market leader Tesla is positioned to dominate this area with its 'robots on wheels' approach to manufacturing."
• Autonomous electric vehicles: Witt said Chinese carmaker BYD stands out as a global leader in data access and scalable manufacturing. "In terms of cost impact, more than 70% of Uber ride costs are labor-related, and autonomous transport will significantly reduce expenses," he said.
• Blockchain: Accessibility is an area to watch in blockchain. Witt said blockchain enables low-cost, borderless transactions, and more markets are using it. "For example, MiniPay, the #1 app in Kenya, surpassed Facebook and Instagram in downloads."
• Biotech: As an emerging technology, Witt explained that gene-based therapies offer precision treatments for inherited or environmental genetic abnormalities. "As examples, Moderna's mRNA success foreshadows the broader potential of CRISPR and similar technologies," he said.

"This era is reminiscent of the early 20th century's transformative, broad-based innovations like electricity and the internal combustion engine," Witt said. For VCs, Witt believes the coming decade marks a rare chance to back category-defining companies in emerging industries — but he emphasized that success won't come easy.

"VCs will face the challenge of identifying category-defining winners," Witt said. "As history shows, industries tend to consolidate around one or two dominant players, with only a small fraction of companies emerging as leaders — think Amazon and Google among the dot-com era's 500 IPOs."

3. Africa and the Global South will lead in VC-backed innovation

Beyond technology, Witt stressed that demographics are a critical and often overlooked factor shaping VC trends. He projects that population dynamics will increasingly determine the locations where innovation thrives.

"Demographics are destiny," Witt said.

He predicts that VCs will increasingly allocate capital to the Global South, particularly Africa, due to its "explosive" consumer and market growth potential.

"This shift will redefine traditional portfolio strategies, emphasizing demographic-driven investments," Witt said.

As support for his prediction, Witt noted that Africa leads global population growth, and that all of the top 20 fastest-growing populations are in the Global South.

He added that countries with aging populations and declining birth rates, such as Korea, with a fertility rate of 0.68, face a shrinking workforce and reduced appetite for risk and technological adoption.

In contrast, he believes that regions like Africa, with a fertility rate of 4.18, offer a young, growing population and expanding market potential.

"This is why some VCs are betting on the Global South as the next frontier for innovation and growth," Witt concluded. "Large populations equal large markets, and big markets mean that one or two successful companies can offset eight or nine failures, which is critical for VC success."

If you're a VC who would like to share your thoughts on the industry, please email Manseen Logan at [email protected].

• Damola Adamolekun, CEO of Red Lobster, shares three books that influenced his career in 2024.
• Adamolekun was formerly CEO of P.F. Changs, which he helped generate $1 billion in revenue a year.
• He describes "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius as a timeless guide to leading.

At 35, Damola Adamolekun is the youngest CEO of Red Lobster of all time. The former Goldman Sachs investment banker and Harvard Business School alum was appointed CEO in August, just months after the seafood chain filed for bankruptcy.

Investors are likely hoping Adamolekun will recreate the restaurant resurgence he accomplished during his tenure as CEO of P.F. Changs from 2019 to 2023, during which he helped the struggling chain generate an estimated $1 billion in revenue a year.

The Nigerian-American businessman shared with Business Insider the three books that helped him navigate his career in 2024.

Business Insider: What three books have shaped your career and leadership this year?

1. "Unreasonable Hospitality" by Will Guidara

Damola Adamolekun: "Unreasonable Hospitality" by Will Guidara is a masterclass in creating memorable experiences through relentless care and attention to detail.

Guidara's approach to hospitality isn't just about service — it's about going above and beyond to make people feel valued. The idea of "over-delivering" resonated deeply with me, reminding me that exceptional hospitality, like exceptional leadership, often lies in the thoughtful, unexpected gestures that leave a lasting impact.

Whether in a restaurant or the boardroom, this book is a compelling reminder that relationships and culture are built on doing the little things with great intention.

2. "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius

"Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius is a timeless guide to leading with wisdom, resilience, and humility.

Marcus's reflections on discipline and self-mastery have shaped how I approach challenges — focusing on what I can control and letting go of what I can't. His emphasis on serving the greater good is a powerful reminder that leadership is ultimately about responsibility, not power.

This book's enduring relevance lies in its ability to ground leaders in principles that foster clarity and purpose, even amid chaos.

3. "The Winner Within: A Life Plan for Team Players" by Pat Riley

"The Winner Within: A Life Plan for Team Players" by Pat Riley is a motivational book that shares leadership lessons and teamwork strategies, using stories from his NBA coaching career to inspire individuals and organizations to achieve success through unity, resilience, and continuous improvement.

As a former college athlete at Brown University, this book's story of perseverance, adaptability, and ambition echoes the mantra that I've carried from the football field into the boardroom as a CEO.

This story is part of an end-of-year reading list series that seeks to highlight the best books influential CEOs and business leaders read in 2024.

Correction: December 27, 2024 — An earlier version of this story listed incorrect publishers for the "Meditations" and "The Winner Within" book covers.

• Regina Grogan is a tech exec who says high stress once impacted her mental health and relationships.
• Grogan has developed nine daily habits that help her reduce stress and increase productivity.
• Grogan's methods include cold plunges, meditation, and gratitude lists for better mood.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Regina Grogan, a Zillennial technology executive, AI founder, and former Google consultant based in Salt Lake City. It's been edited for length and clarity.

I worked in high-stress Silicon Valley for over 10 years, including as a Google consultant, before transitioning to being an associate security engineer at one of the largest banks.

Working in the tech industry is stressful — it has extreme volatility, which has led me to feel anxious and depressed in the past. I've seen tech startups shut down very suddenly with zero discussion. I've also worked in big companies undergoing layoffs and wondered, "Am I next?"

High stress also impacted my relationships. My work took up a lot of my personal time, so I wasn't able to build as many relationships as I wish I had.

Over the years, I've discovered hacks to mitigate stress, boost my mood, and increase productivity. These are my favorites.

1. Cold plunge

I take a 15 to 20-minute ice bath or cold shower every morning. The first five minutes are awful and shocking. Then I acclimate to it, and it actually feels really good.

During the plunge, I feel extremely alert, the world looks brighter, and when I emerge, everything feels like a new beginning.

2. Meditation

I was very addicted to my digital devices until I noticed it was severely affecting my mental clarity and focus. Now I try to stay off my phone as much as possible in the morning, and instead, meditate for 25 minutes.

Ever since I made the switch, my mind has become quieter and I feel reset from the attention obsession that my digital devices create.

3. Increase my bodily awareness

I've realized I have to create balance in life by tuning into my body and intuition for guidance. I now listen more to my instincts.

One time, I was working on a partnership and felt physically uneasy while reviewing the terms. Looking back, I realize I was sensing a subconscious resistance in my body about this partnership, which ended up going south.

4. Take a walk without my phone

I often use my phone as an anxiety and comfort tool. The only way I've had luck mitigating this anxiety is by leaving my phone at home, coming back, and seeing that nothing horrible has happened.

5. Think about what I can and can't control

Let's say a vendor messes up a project, or the intern accidentally gets spam-attacked and is freaked out. Instead of panicking, I use the psychological strategy of the "circle of control," asking myself, "What can I control in this stressful situation?"

If the answer is nothing, I have to let it go.

6. Ask myself, "How can I help others today?"

Doing small acts of kindness helps me take the focus off of myself and redirect my energy toward helping others. This can be helping someone at work, volunteering, or simply letting someone in front of me in traffic.

At the end of the day, I can say, "Today didn't go super well, but I did something in my control to improve things."

7. Make a list of what I'm grateful for

I live a privileged life, and it's easy to forget how hard life is for many other people. In my case, I used to have depression. I've seen bad days, but it's easier to forget when I make a gratitude list.

When I zoom out, I can see how lucky I am and that I have a lot to be thankful for.

8. Epsom salt bath

Every evening, around 9 p.m., I take a hot Epsom salt bath. Epsom salt regulates the nervous system and also staves off loneliness — or so they found in some studies.

I do this as a "day ender" to help me officially close out the day. Otherwise, I'll keep working into the night.

9. Write down my worries and wait to review them

Before I go to sleep at 10 p.m., I write down everything I'm worrying about as a "brain dump." I put it in a box and revisit it a week later to see how many of them came to pass.

Almost none of them do. Over time, I've gained more confidence and calmness.

Ever since I started using these hacks, I've been in a great mood and more productive than ever

My colleagues always talk about my energy and good mood. These hacks allow me to be creative and productive at work, even in a stressful environment.

If you work in Big Tech and have productivity hacks you'd like to share, please email Tess Martinelli at [email protected].

• Amy Zhang has faced five core struggles since quiet quitting her corporate job to start a business.
• Zhang says navigating the current economy and finding the right clients were among the roadblocks.
• Zhang says entrepreneurship involves making mistakes, but it has redefined her idea of success.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Amy Zhang, a 31-year-old founder based in New York City. It's been edited for length and clarity.

I spent eight months "quiet quitting" my corporate job, which started in June 2022. I then launched a company focused on growing small businesses. I've developed an appreciation for all the ways people can become successful.

But my learning hasn't come without issues. These are the five biggest struggles I've experienced since actually quitting and starting my own business, and what to keep in mind if you're considering it.

1. You have to be able to work alone for days on end

The transition from working with a team to being completely independent has been isolating. The socialization that used to be guaranteed is now a task that falls completely on me, and sometimes I don't leave my house for days.

Being an entrepreneur requires hustle and struggle, which makes it tough for me to put my computer down and stop working.

I make sure to maintain my routine at my gym, where I have a group of people I talk to. I also try to say "yes" to invitations from friends even if it's easier to say no and keep working.

2. You must be prepared for stress, mistakes, and ambiguity

When I started my venture, I realized I was the only one to blame for poor decision-making. The pressure to not make any mistakes plagued me in the beginning, so I've been learning to forgive myself.

One of the biggest mistakes I made was figuring out what tools and technology systems to spend money on and when to make the purchase. I purchased based on referrals and quickly learned that buying tech solutions too soon and solely based on recommendations can be a waste of money.

I also made the mistake of subscribing to annual contracts for discounts. Looking back, I realize the flexibility to cancel month-to-month contracts would've been more financially responsible.

Despite these mistakes, I know that having patience with myself is important for not burning out and giving up.

3. The economy is different now than five years ago

I've noticed that those who started their business five years ago relied heavily on networks and word of mouth to jump-start their companies.

In my experience, right now, I feel like prospective clients need more convincing, touchpoints, and trust to go into business with someone. I've been able to show my commitment through time spent, being active and responsive, and through action — putting my money where my mouth is.

4. Clients might want more time

I thought working as a consultant would benefit companies — it's cheaper for them to hire me with part-time pay, the ability to cancel at any time, and no health insurance. However, many businesses hesitated to work with me because they wanted full ownership of my time.

Don't get me wrong — the clients I work with now are awesome and completely get it. They like having the flexibility and quality of work at a fraction of the cost of a full-time hire.

There's just something about having full control over an employee that I think some businesses still latch onto.

5. Others will try to rank you by title

There's a social bubble — especially in the corporate world — that defines success by titles, promotions, and company prestige.

Even in social circles at events and parties, when I was introduced to someone, the default second question after asking my name was, "So what do you do for a living?" That question used to feel like a way to rank myself among my peers.

Since quitting and starting my own business, I've realized there isn't just one way to be successful, happy, or make money.

If you've "quiet quit" your corporate job and would like to share your story, please email Tess Martinelli at [email protected].

• Mike Manalac has worked in the tech hubs of San Francisco, Silicon Valley, and Chicago since 2016.
• He says each place has its strengths, but Chicago is the best place for raising a family.
• Chicago offers Manalac and his family the perfect balance career, affordability, and family life.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Mike Manalac, a 39-year-old accounting manager at Google. It's been edited for length and clarity.

Over the past eight years, I've worked in the tech scenes of San Francisco, Silicon Valley, and Chicago. The three places couldn't be more different in terms of lifestyle, and they've each appealed to me for different reasons.

Here's how the three places compare:

San Francisco is fun but not for the faint of heart

I moved to San Francisco in 2016 to pursue world-class career opportunities and adventure. I'd spent the past eight years as an audit manager in Baltimore and the cross-country move was a big change for me.

As someone with ambitious career goals, San Francisco was the mecca of opportunity, so I joined PwC to get closer to Bay Area tech jobs. Some of the world's most innovative companies were basically next door, and their corporate headquarters lined the city's blocks like Lego bricks.

I once interviewed at Salesforce's headquarters while on my lunch break since it was only a few blocks away from PwC. When doing phone screens for Uber, Twitter, and Dolby, I knew I'd be able to walk over to their offices for an on-site interview at a moment's notice.

As a young professional with limited life responsibilities, San Francisco turned out to be the perfect place to live fast and loose. The social scene was amazing — a night out for drinks could mean stopping by a speakeasy with no sign, sipping a mai tai on a floating tiki bar, or drinks served from a bathtub at a bar the size of a walk-in closet.

San Francisco also has the best park scene in the country; I've yet to find a better party than a regular Saturday afternoon at Dolores Park.

It's also a walkable city. For the first time in my adult life, I was car-free. The city was full of trendy coffee shops, unique bars and restaurants, and charming neighborhoods to explore.

But living in San Francisco also isn't for the faint of heart. Outside of coworkers, my then-fiancée (and now wife) and I found it incredibly challenging to make friends; everyone seemed to assign others a level of importance based on where they lived and worked. I also would've needed an absurd amount of wealth to purchase a home and raise a family there.

I felt that the city's biggest blemish, though, was the seedy Tenderloin district, which sits smack dab in the middle of downtown. I had to walk through the neighborhood to catch a corporate shuttle bus to work, and I saw my fair share of sketchy characters and shady dealings at the time.

Silicon Valley's career opportunities were unmatched

Later that year, I started working in Silicon Valley after I joined Walmart's eCommerce division in San Bruno. And the following year, I landed a job as an accounting manager at Google's Sunnyvale campus.

Silicon Valley offers the coolest places to work and its career opportunities are unmatched. I was amazed by the sprawling corporate campuses. Walking through Facebook's invite-only campus, which is like a walled garden city, and down its main street, Hacker Way, I was in awe. In nearby Mountain View, I couldn't believe how nearly every building in the city was branded with Google's logo.

I saw corporate buses and colorful bikes whizzing around and young professionals with corporate badges on their hips and branded backpacks on their backs.

While Silicon Valley may be the tech capital of the world, I'd never live there. For one thing, I couldn't afford it; the cookie-cutter neighborhoods of Silicon Valley are reserved for millionaires and the hillside mansions for billionaires. I, on the other hand, commuted from San Francisco via corporate shuttle bus.

But I wouldn't have wanted to live there anyway. The social scene was dead, the city wasn't walkable, and the nightlife was nonexistent. Nobody I knew went to happy hour after work, restaurants closed early, and most people only lived there because of the proximity to work.

Chicago has a down-to-earth social scene and affordable, family-friendly neighborhoods

I moved to Chicago with my wife in 2019, transferring to Google's Chicago office. The cost of living in Chicago was much cheaper, my commute would be shorter, and we'd be closer to her family in Michigan and mine in Maryland.

Chicago doesn't have the buzzy tech scene or beautiful weather of San Francisco and Silicon Valley, but it's no slouch when it comes to career opportunities. More Fortune 500 companies are headquartered in Chicago than in almost every other city in the US, and the job opportunities are much more diverse than what you'll find in the tech-centric San Francisco and Silicon Valley.

From Google's office in Chicago's West Loop, I can see McDonald's global headquarters down the street and a number of other premier employers dotting the city skyline.

Chicago is a city that likes to party, making San Francisco look sleepy by comparison. Bars don't close until 2 a.m., with some staying open until 4 a.m. Chicago's Lake Michigan beach scene is much livelier than that of San Francisco. But the social scene also has a down-to-earth vibe; people are Midwest nice and seem to live at a more casual pace.

The best part about Chicago is the moderate cost of living. I was able to afford a three-unit home with rental potential in Chicago for $830,000 — a price I'd never find in San Francisco — that's in a walkable neighborhood. It's the perfect blend of family-friendly city life. Our three-year-old son loves taking the train home from daycare and running wild at one of the city's many playgrounds.

I think Chicago is the best of the three places to start a family

After working in these three awesome places, I've realized that even the best cities have their flaws.

San Francisco has the coolest social scene and overall vibe, but it's one of the worst cities for settling down because of its high costs.

Silicon Valley offers the best career opportunities, but its social scene is lacking since everything there is about work, work, work.

Chicago is the best of the three locations to start a family due to its affordability and comfortable pace of life, but it's not quite as cool as San Francisco and can't match the career opportunities offered in Silicon Valley.

Overall, though, it's hard to beat Chicago's mix of career opportunities, vibrant social scene, and opportunities to start a family.

If you've moved around for work and would like to share your experiences of different cities, email Jane Zhang at [email protected].

• Alex Li lives in Dover, Delaware, which is 55 miles from where his wife and daughter reside.
• Spending time away from his family so that he could work on his startup has led to guilt and regret.
• Rather than fixating on those feelings, Li focuses on what he can do to be there for his family.

As a 34-year-old founder, husband, and dad, Alex Li is away from his family more than he'd like to be. He lives in Dover, Delaware, where his AI education company is based, while his nine-year-old daughter and his wife live 55 miles away in Wilmington, Delaware with his wife's parents.

Li decided to live in Dover because the daily commute between the two cities would be over two hours, which isn't feasible given his workload.

"Although my family is very supportive of my work and understands the fact that I have to leave home for work, I still often feel very sorry and guilty," Li said.

He was only able to return home occasionally in the launch years

Li launched his company StudyX in 2021. "It was a very hard time," he said, as he worked until 2 or 3 a.m. every day while trying to find investors and grow his team. "Apart from sleeping and eating, almost all of my time was devoted to this project," Li said. "Even though Wilmington and Dover aren't far apart, it was still hard for me to make time for my family."

At the time, his daughter was in kindergarten. His wife, who worked remotely for around 20 hours a week and had more flexibility, shouldered the childcare with the help of her parents.

During those launch years, Li was only able to make the hourlong drive home once every week or two for about half a day and on holidays.

"I could only work harder to complete the project as soon as possible, while also ensuring that my family didn't have to worry too much about the finances," he said.

Video updates helped, but guilt would still flare up

To help bridge the gap, his wife sent him daily video updates of their daughter. "My daughter was really cute, and she sometimes sang me her newly learned nursery rhymes," Li said. He would squeeze in time during lunch or dinner to reply and sometimes send short videos or pictures back to them.

But when Li's daughter asked him when he'd be coming home, when he could pick her up from school, or if he could stay at home for a few more days on his next visit, his feelings of guilt flared up.

"Every time my wife sent me messages telling me our kid had made a new friend at kindergarten or learned some new words, I got a complex feeling of happiness, guilt, and regret," Li said.

Men should take on more family responsibilities, Li said

Some of Li's male friends didn't understand why he felt guilty. "The traditional idea that men leave home for work to earn money and women stay at home and take care of children is still deeply rooted in some Asian cultural backgrounds," Li said.

Once, when Li told a friend how he felt terrible for being unable to do something with his daughter, his friend said she would understand and be grateful once she was older.

Although Li appreciated the friend's attempt at comfort, "it sounded like an excuse to avoid facing the situation," Li said.

Li feels that men should take on more family and childcare responsibilities. When he's home, he helps tackle household chores and prioritizes quality time with his daughter.

If his wife needs a break, Li's daughter stays with him in Dover while his wife takes a vacation. "I'll bring my daughter to the office and spend all day together," Li said. "All of our team members know that we're 24/7 inseparable best friends."

Actions speak louder than guilt

Rather than being caught up in guilt and the mental whiplash of his situation's shortcomings, Li focuses on what he can do.

For example, he made good on a promise to bring his daughter to Universal Studios Singapore on his first day after finishing a big project. "My daughter was incredibly excited since it had been years since we traveled together as a family," Li recalled.

His favorite memory was watching the sunset at the beach after their day at Universal. "There's something special about those quiet, uninterrupted moments together as a family," he said. "We could just be present with each other."

While Li still feels bad about the time he's missed with his family, he's committed to making more time for them and has promised his daughter that they'll travel abroad together every year. This year, they took a trip to Spain.

"I make sure to write down promises to my daughter to keep track, so I don't forget in the midst of a busy schedule," Li said.

He now has more time to spend with his family

After three years of around-the-clock work, Li's startup has grown and his team has expanded, giving him a lighter workload and more flexibility. While he's still based in Dover, he's been spending more time with his family over the past two months, working remotely from home in Wilmington several days a week.

"While I still need to work regularly with my team in Dover, I can now guarantee two or three days a week to go home to Wilmington and spend time with my family," Li said. "There, I can take on the responsibilities of being a son, husband, and father."

He's been able to be more involved in responsibilities like picking his daughter up from school, helping with homework, and looking after his wife's parents. He also has more quality time to spend with his wife. "If she faces any challenges, she no longer has to handle them on her own," Li said. "We can share the load and support each other."

Li isn't certain how well this ideal schedule will work, as he still needs to have some in-person meetings, has to travel to meet with team members and users based globally, and knows he'll have busy work periods in the future.

"All in all, no matter what changes my career will have, I'll try to squeeze more time to be with my family," he said.

For others in his situation, Li's advice is to focus on actions rather than thoughts. "We all feel guilty or sorry for not spending time with our families, but more importantly, we need to take action to make up for it," Li said.

If you struggle with parental guilt as you balance family with career and would like to share your story, email Jane Zhang at [email protected].