• I learned early on that discipline was ineffective with my children and caused more harm than good.
• Now I try to put the focus on empathy, letting my children make choices without fear of judgment.
• Meditation and self-care improved the my parenting and the overall mood in our household.

Strolling the aisles of my grocery store, dwelling in the bliss of a mother that gets to shop alone, I heard the piercing cry of a toddler, followed by a caregiver, loudly admonishing, "If you drop that again, I'm not giving it back to you."

I didn't just hear that — I felt it, because I used to be that caregiver. Half-running behind my cart, wild-eyed, yelling at my children as I struggled to remember everything I needed to make dinner that night. Some days, usually when my plate is too full, I turn into her again.

Every mother knows this pattern. On a recent morning, getting the kids ready for school, my husband, sensing I was touched out, said he would take over. On the way out the door, our 10-year-old said to our 7-year-old, "When mom's not happy, no one is."

This is, unfortunately, correct. I am, overall, in a good place now, but it was an arduous road, full of missteps and switchbacks.

I learned early on that discipline caused more harm than good

Back when our daughter was 2, we tried to give her a time-out. We sat her in a little chair and told her to stay put. She did, bawling uncontrollably, while my husband and I exchanged nervous glances while still trying to look authoritative.

I can't even what we were disciplining her for, but I will never forget how I felt, which was ridiculous, for trying to instill a punishment on someone barely able to verbalize that they are sorry for something. Eventually, I picked her up and told her I was sorry. She cried for a long time in my arms, and I think it is safe to say, she had no idea why.

That was our first, and last, time-out. It was also the beginning of me realizing that it was awfully coincidental how much my children seemed to misbehave when I was in a terrible mood.

I aim for a house where children feel safe to make mistakes

It is difficult to unlearn that mistakes are bad, that it doesn't matter if you spill the milk on the couch, or forget to say thank you. I want to be clear that I am no zen master, drifting around my yard in flowing robes, lifting my hand for a hummingbird to land on it. What I do know is that the yelling, strict rules, and ultimatums didn't work. Instead, they caused fear, and I could sense, if I kept going with it, it would teach my children, a little earlier than I prefer, how to lie.

So I let my children be children. My house often looked like it had been robbed. When my kids had tantrums in public, I just waited until they stopped. I try to put the focus on empathy and understanding, letting my children make choices, odd as they might be, without the fear of the judgmental gaze of others, which is often the hardest thing to ignore.

When a situation does arise where I have to intervene, I lean heavily on the concepts of distraction and humor. I might say something like, "Hey, which one of your cousins do you think smells the worst?" If things get really bad, there is always tickling. If none of this works, I close my eyes, and imagine an elephant walking through the grasslands. Trust me, this is calming.

I had to learn to take care of myself

I taught myself to meditate, and it changed everything. When I am calmer, my children are happier. It sounds so simple, but it took me years to understand that a less stressful household also made my children relax.

In all of the preparation I undertook to have children, I didn't come across a syllable of advice that said perhaps, just maybe, consider the weight of motherhood on your mental health, but I sure did buy a ton of stuff. I could fill oil drums with all of the equipment I was told I needed in order to be a mother. Now I know, what I needed most was permission to care for myself. After all, when mom is happy, other people can be happy, too.

• Amy Speace became a mom for the first time one month shy of her 50th birthday.
• The musician underwent IVF and used donor eggs.
• She does yoga and meditates daily as part of her regime to be a patient, hands-on mom.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Amy Speace, 56, a singer-songwriter from Nashville. It has been edited for length and clarity.

When I was younger, I never wanted to have children. My career as a singer-songwriter meant everything to me. At 30, I got signed to a record label and became ambitious, touring all over the country.

Then, as I got older, my attitude to motherhood changed. "I'm so busy doing this and that," I thought. "What if I forget to have kids?" Then, at 46, I met my second husband, Jamey, now 50.

We tried for a baby the minute we were together. But we didn't conceive. We looked into adoption, but the cost was prohibitive. Also, it might have taken years.

Luckily, Jamey's company health insurance covered about 85% of fertility treatments. So we decided to try IVF. The doctors said my eggs were too old to be viable at 49, and we should choose a donor.

First, I had a full exam to check whether my body could carry a baby. I had surgery to remove some polyps from my uterus. Then, we picked a donor who had a similar profile to mine.

Her eggs were fertilized by Jamey's sperm, and I was placed on the hormones to get ready for the transfer. It took two attempts, but we were lucky enough to get pregnant in July 2017.

I took a year off touring after my son was born

The pregnancy was super easy. I did yoga throughout. We hoped for a natural birth, and my doctor said that would be fine. She said that I was healthier than many 20-year-olds.

However, the baby had other ideas. I was induced due to back labor but was told it could take 36 hours for me to be dilated enough to deliver. We opted for a C-section because I didn't want to go through all that and end up needing an emergency one.

Our son, Huck, was born healthy. I fell in love with him the moment he was placed in my arms.

We went through the usual thing of sleepless nights for four months when you can't see straight. But things got better. I played a festival when I brought him along with support from my mother-in-law. It was hard because I was nursing and pumping. I realized I would just be home with him and took a year off touring.

I was tired, but I don't think I got more tired than younger moms did. I remained active and meditated daily. My spirituality has made me more patient and calm. It's helped me deal with the reality that I'll be almost 70 when Huck graduates high school. I'll never see him when he reaches my age.

I also practice gratitude. I was not ready to have a baby until I was 49. Then, a miracle happened. It was the way my life was supposed to be.

Jamey and I went through a hard time during the pandemic, and we separated and divorced. We shielded Huck and our relationship is very amicable as we co-parent him.

I laugh about bringing up a 6-year-old during menopause

It took a while for me to find my group of similar-minded moms. I'd go to the playground, and it would be full of 20-somethings watching their kids. But I made a good friend through Huck after he started playing with her 5-year-old. I've also established a network of older moms who read my blog.

We often discuss the funny side, such as raising a little kid during menopause. Huck, now 6, has his own room, but he sometimes brings his blankie and crawls into bed with me.

I have unbelievable night sweats. Sometimes I have to change three times a night. I'll put my son back in his bed and he'll say, "Mommy, you're all wet."

Laughter is part of being in the moment. Whatever the future brings, we'll live our lives that way.

Do you have an interesting story to share with Business Insider about being a new parent in later life? Please send details to [email protected]