• I'm used to being in relationships where my partner is the breadwinner.
• However, when my partner and I moved back to Canada, I became the sole earner in our relationship.
• Being the breadwinner made me proud of myself, even though it came with a few challenges.

For most of my adult life, I've been in heteronormative relationships where my partner was the breadwinner. My career path has been somewhat unconventional, as I worked in various fashion sales and merchandising roles before getting into freelance writing. I've worked full-time, part-time, and a blend of both alongside freelancing — meaning my income hasn't always experienced linear growth.

My husband, on the other hand, spent most of his 20s and early 30s climbing the corporate ladder. He had a higher and more stable salary than I did for the first five years of our relationship — until we decided to move back to Canada last year, and the roles were reversed.

I became the breadwinner when we moved

We originally met in Canada, where he took a brief pause from his corporate management job to travel the country on a working-holiday visa. Upon returning to the UK, his homeland, he went back to his job, and I eventually joined him on my own working-holiday visa. We spent four years living in the UK together but ultimately decided we wanted to live in Canada.

The immigration route we took meant he would have to leave his job, and that he wouldn't be able to work for up to a year while we waited for his permanent residency to come through. It was up to me to be the sole breadwinner for the first time in our relationship. As a Canadian citizen, I was able to work from the get-go. It wasn't a decision we made lightly, but we had a safety net of savings and calculated that my freelance income would be enough to cover our bases and live comfortably.

I felt proud, but there were challenges, too

Being the breadwinner was simultaneously challenging and empowering. On the one hand, I felt proud knowing I could support my family all on my own after years of always being the one who earned less. But living on a single income isn't easy in this economy. We weren't saving much, and though we didn't have to make too many sacrifices in our daily lives, we held back on bigger-ticket non-essential items that we normally love, like travel and concerts.

It also gave me a new perspective about finances and ultimately brought us closer together. We always used to split our finances, but after the move, we created a shared account — my husband couldn't create his own while he was in immigration limbo. I used to be hesitant about joint accounts. I worried about having petty arguments over purchases we didn't agree on, and maintaining a sense of independence was important to me.

Fortunately, we've found having one account keeps us both accountable for our spending habits. My husband has admitted he's reined in on casual purchases compared to when we had separate accounts, and I'm also more careful about what I buy. Plus, it's nice to see all our earnings in one place. It makes me feel like we're more unified.

We now earn about the same amount again

My husband has since received his permanent residency and found a new job here in Canada. We're now earning a similar amount and still share an account. I'll be honest — it's a relief not to be the sole earner anymore. Still, I'm grateful for everything I learned during my time as the breadwinner.

I feel more confident in my own earning capabilities, and I feel that my husband and I have become more equal as partners since we've both had the opportunity to step up and provide. We went through a period that often makes or breaks a couple, and I'm thrilled to say it only made us stronger.

• C-suite executive Michaella Solar-March's husband became a stay-at-home dad in 2017.
• The couple found it financially smarter for him to stay home than to hire a nanny.
• Solar-March balances career and family and feels the pressure as the sole financial provider.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Michaella Solar-March, a 40-year-old C-suite executive in New York City. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

When my husband and I met in 2011, we were in love with our careers. I worked as a marketing director in the music industry, and he was a bartender and vegetable farmer. We both worked late but always made time to see each other.

We discussed getting married and having kids but never discussed the logistics of starting a family with our work schedules. We got married in 2012, and in 2015, I got pregnant with our first child.

Now, as a family of four, I work full time, and my husband stays home to watch the kids.

We both used to work full-time jobs with nontraditional hours

My husband worked in hospitality and often got called in on nights and weekends to cover shifts. I worked at Soho House in a global role and traveled internationally for two to three weeks every month.

We hired a full-time nanny so we could both continue to work. After nine months, we realized it felt like our nanny was raising our child. While we loved our nanny, we weren't comfortable taking such a backseat role in our son, Townes', life.

My husband loved his career but found that being a present father meant more to him. He didn't grow up with his father around — his parents divorced when he was three, and a single mom raised him. He wanted to be a present and constant support for Townes.

We decided in 2017 that my husband would be a stay-at-home dad, and I'd continue to work as the family's breadwinner.

It was less expensive for my husband to stay home with our child than to have a nanny

We realized my husband's salary was slightly more than what we paid our nanny. It seemed like a financially smart decision for him to leave his job. It also helped us both erase any anxiety about Townes and his care.

When we had our second child, Roma, in 2020, I was the global CMO for a commercial real estate business. Alex returned to work in 2019 as the general manager of a hospitality brand, and we thought we would hire another nanny for our daughter. Then the pandemic started.

We started interviewing nannies remotely and couldn't get comfortable with the idea, so again, Alex quit his job and resumed full-time childcare responsibilities.

The identity shift was hard to understand

When we first started dating, our identities were wrapped up in our careers. When my husband first became a stay-at-home dad and I became the breadwinner, I struggled with our new identities. I felt grateful that I could continue my career but guilty that he had to pause his.

I was also proud of his work and enjoyed the nightlife culture that came with his industry, so leaving that behind was a lifestyle shift for both of us.

My husband never felt bad about this shift. He poured everything into being the best dad, managing the household (cooking, cleaning, and handling the groceries), and constantly reassured me that he was more than OK with taking on this role.

I feel a lot of pressure to provide financially for my family

Neither my husband nor I are independently wealthy, so the long-term stability of our family and creating financial security for our kids are solely my responsibility.

I feel a lot of pressure. I'm naturally ambitious and self-motivated, and I take pride in being good at my work. Yet, I inevitably feel I have to overdeliver and drive value for my employers to ensure job security.

While I'm lucky enough to have an incredible boss and team, that pressure is always an undercurrent. If I'm not working, we can't pay our bills.

Being a C-suite executive and a mother requires compromise

I'm now the chief marketing officer for a Brooklyn-based real estate developer and management company. I'm fully committed at work and home but always feel I'm letting someone down.

I often miss dinner time with the family because of work commitments. Townes made a rule that I'm only allowed to be on my phone at home if I'm dealing with something for work. As my kids have become more aware and emotionally mature, they notice when I'm distracted.

I also feel societal pressure. There's an unspoken expectation that you must be an exceptional employee, mother, friend, community member, and over-performer in every area of life. Those titles are often in conflict with one another.

I have to compromise. I'm no less committed to an area of my life, but I acknowledge that sometimes I can't do it all and must make a choice.

I'm showing my kids a different type of family dynamic, and I'm proud of that

I had a stay-at-home mom who worked from home but was hands-on in the house. This allowed my dad to go out and work long hours every day. My family is now inverted.

I'm proud that my children see me go to work daily, knowing I come home every night after doing work I love and excel at. I hope this shows them they can pursue their professional passions with commitment and ambition.

Sometimes, Roma asks, "Why can't you stay home with Dad? Why do you go to the office every day?" But I know that in 10 years, I will have shown her what a working mother looks like. I also know that when I'm with her, I focus on giving her the attention and support she needs.

While our family setup might be unusual, it works for us, and I'm not sure it would work this well if we did it any other way. Eventually, my husband wants to go back to work, but not in a full-time capacity.

Want to share your story as a female breadwinner? Email Lauryn Haas at [email protected].