A gay man and a straight woman got married. They say it's not a 'lavender marriage' but founded on 'true pure love.'
Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone
- A gay man and a straight woman got married after being together for eight years.
- Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone are in a "mixed-orientation" marriage.
- BI checked in with them 18 months after our first interview to find out about their married life.
Growing up gay and without examples of successful marriages in his family, Jacob Hoff didn't think he'd ever get married — let alone to a woman.
But in November last year, Hoff, 31, married his longtime girlfriend, Samantha Wynn Greenstone, 37.
When Business Insider spoke to the LA-based couple in 2023, they explained that they were in a "mixed-orientation" relationship, meaning that they have different sexual orientations. Hoff is a gay man, and Greenstone is a straight woman.
The two musical theatre performers started off as best friends, but started dating in 2017 when Greenstone admitted that she had romantic feelings for Hoff and he realized he felt the same way.
They've now been together for eight years in a monogamous relationship, and decided to tie the knot last year.
BI caught up with them to ask about their wedding, future plans, and whether the way others see them has changed.
Hoff and Greenstone put their own 'campy' stamp on wedding traditions
Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone
After so long together, getting married seemed like the natural next step, Hoff said.
Greenstone is Jewish, so Hoff converted and they got married at the Kabbalah Center in Boca Raton, Florida.
The wedding featured traditional Jewish elements, such as a chuppah, a canopy the couple stood under during the ceremony, and a ketubah, a marriage agreement that outlines the man's financial responsibilities to his wife.
"But then we added elements of our campy personalities into it and made it really irreverent and wild," Hoff said.
He walked down the aisle to a "blood-curdling scream" from "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack, he said, while Greenstone vowed to go to Hoff's favorite Mexican restaurant whenever he wanted.
"Everything we did in the wedding felt like it was authentic and reflective of our personalities," Greenstone said. "But it was also important to us to keep some traditional elements. For example, we liked the idea of not seeing each other in our wedding outfits."
"But I was there when she was getting her hair and makeup done, so there was balance," Hoff added.
Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone
No 'lavender marriage'
The term "lavender marriage" is used to describe a union where one or both partners are LGBTQ+, but marry for the safety or convenience of appearing to be heterosexual.
Hoff and Greenstone say that the label does not apply to their relationship.
"We're truly soulmates and monogamous," Hoff said. "I'm 100% fulfilled by our marriage. So to say we're in a 'lavender marriage,' I think, takes away what this really is, which is just people who love each other for who they are and not what they are. A lavender marriage feels like a marriage of convenience versus a marriage of just true pure love like ours."
He previously told BI that he finds Greenstone "very beautiful" and that their physical intimacy is "so much deeper and richer and more fulfilling" because his attraction to her isn't just "surface level."
Hoff identifies as gay and says his attraction to Greenstone is a 'one-off'
The marriage hasn't changed anything for Hoff and Greenstone other than solidifying their "spiritual" connection with a contract.
Hoff said it's made other people take them more seriously. For Greenstone, it's important that her husband holds onto his identity as a gay man because of the work they've had to do to be "out and proud" about their dynamic.
Hoff still uses the label "gay" because he identifies with gay culture and his attraction to Greenstone is a "one-off," he told BI in 2023. He said he could "never imagine being with another woman."
Joe Kort, a sex and relationship psychotherapist who specializes in mixed-orientation marriages, previously told BI that he calls this dynamic "gay plus one."
That is when a man is gay but is emotionally attracted to and turned on by his female partner — just like someone might be with a partner who is not their usual type.
Jacob Hoff and Samantha Wynn Greenstone
Greenstone still identifies as heterosexual but does consider the relationship to be queer because, to her, queer means "stepping outside the realm of what society considers normal."
The couple plans to be honest about their relationship if they have children.
Hoff said: "My thought is just to raise the kid always knowing that I'm gay. I think it'll be normal as long as it's not hidden. They'll understand from an early age that dad's gay, just like dad has brown eyes."
Normalizing different relationships
The couple say they're so public about their relationship to help normalize such arrangements.
"It feels good to share. It feels liberating, and it makes me feel understood in the world as opposed to walking around with this elephant in the room," Hoff said.
Couples in similar positions have contacted them for advice. However, Greenstone said she doesn't feel comfortable advising other women to pursue their gay friends — firstly, because they might not be attracted to them, and secondly, because she doesn't want anyone to feel pressured into a straight-presenting relationship.
"We're not preaching 'go and marry your gay best friend,''" she said. "We just want people who find themselves in a mixed-orientation relationship to see that it can have longevity."
