• My son is coming home from college for the first time this holiday season.
• I'm worried he won't listen to any of my rules, so I'm trying to adjust expectations.
• I do not expect him to hang out with me all the time, but he needs to be at certain events.

As a mom during the holiday season, I find myself busy and rushing to get everything done. The stockings have been hung, and the tree is trimmed. I'm getting a start on the cookies — and I'm also thinking about new rules.

My son is a college freshman and loves his new university so much that he didn't come home for Thanksgiving. That means when he arrives for winter break, it will be his first time in our house since mid-August. He's been on his own, adulting, for months now.

I imagine this first visit back home will be a readjustment for all of us because the rules of engagement have shifted. Here's how I plan to negotiate the holidays while welcoming him back to the nest.

Instead of restrictions, we'll set expectations

When he was younger, we had rules in place that set parameters for our son. Our kid knew there would be consequences if he stayed out late without calling first or took the car without permission.

Mutual respect and expectations for healthy behavior were central to our family's fabric. We adopted this approach to keep him safe. It also allowed him to develop responsibility and a sense of independence.

This holiday season, we'll give him freedom here at home. Of course we will have expectations, but I'm hesitant to saddle him with previous restrictions now that he's living a new, adult life not under our roof. Trust is as meaningful in parent-adult relationships as it is in the parent-child relationship.

We'll choose holiday non-negotiables carefully

I'm committed to being flexible and won't micromanage my son's schedule during the holiday break. However, we do have a few mandatory, must-not-miss holiday commitments.

Aunts, uncles, and cousins are all coming in from out of town, so there are several gatherings on our family's holiday calendar. My son will be at each of them, and this is non-negotiable.

That said, we've let him know in advance that his attendance is required. He's fully aware of the days and times of our family get-togethers, and it allows him to manage his schedule as he sees fit. Another adulting opportunity!

I'll try not to be too nosy

I'm a journalist. It's my job to have lots of questions about everything. But I know for the next several weeks, I'm going to have to ease up on my curiosity about my son's new life. The last thing my kid will want to do is face a barrage of inquiries about his college experience, new friends, classes, or what he's up to in his free time.

I'll be dying to ask, but I'll do my best not to. I certainly wouldn't interrogate an adult that way, and that's what my son is now. Rather, I'll wait for him to drop info, tidbits, or details about these past few months away from home. I'll listen and not interject. And I'll limit my mom feedback or advice — unless he specifically asks for it.

I won't be waiting up for him

I've never tracked my child's location through our phones, and I'm not about to start now that he's a full-fledged adult. What's more, I'm not going to wait up to make sure he sticks to curfew.

Because really, he doesn't have a curfew anymore. I expect him to use good judgment and keep himself safe. I won't watch the clock, wondering when he'll get home. All I'll expect is a quick knock on our bedroom door, so we know he made it back in one piece.

Sharing is caring

Finally, I'm well aware that other people are also anxiously waiting to see our son. His high school friends, who attend colleges all over the country, will also be in town and will want to get together. His schedule will likely be packed with reunions, visits, and hangs. While that means less time with his dad and me, I'm happy he'll reconnect with the people who've meant so much to him. I'm happy to share him, too.

Less time with us doesn't mean we're less important. Rather, his circle of loved ones has expanded. Knowing that is one of the greatest gifts the mom of a college kid can receive during the holidays.

• My son is in his first semester of college, and we never talked about a communication schedule.
• I don't want to reach out to him often because I want to give him space, so I wait for him to call.
• As an empty nester, I wish we could talk more, but I'm glad he's becoming independent.

Dropping my son off at college this fall was tough. Despite my best efforts, it was the most inelegant of farewells. I kept my sunglasses on, tried not to crumple completely, and waved goodbye as he set off for meetings on campus.

Then, I promptly found the nearest bench for a proper sob before catching the train back to the airport. Like I said, inelegant.

In the weeks since, I've adjusted fairly well to my empty nest. I've started redecorating my son's bedroom and am generally getting used to not having him under our roof. It's a transition, to be sure.

While his dad and I had a lot of talks with him in the lead-up to drop-off, one thing we didn't discuss was communication. So, I've been plagued with one question in his absence: How much is too much when it comes to keeping tabs on your college kid? Here's what I've learned.

I'm trying not to spam him

I didn't hear from my son at all that first long weekend. There were zero calls, FaceTime chats, or even texts. I was tempted to reach out but realized my discomfort wasn't worth spamming him.

I wanted my son to have fun, get used to his new college campus, hang out with his roommates, and not worry about how I was doing back home.

When he finally called me several days later, I was overjoyed. I could tell by the tone of his voice he was thriving and thrilled to be in his new home. I felt great, but once I hung up, I was uneasy and unsure when I'd hear from him again.

I put the ball in his court, so he's reaching out first

Many of my friends set aside a specific day or two during the week for a family FaceTime or call with their college kids. They were far smarter than me.

Because we never really formalized a comms plan, I still find myself hesitating when it comes to contacting my son. Don't get me wrong: When he calls, I immediately answer. When he sends a text, it often becomes an extended conversation. But almost always, he's the one initiating.

He knows his dad and I are always here and available, but we want him to become independent. That means respecting his boundaries and putting the communication ball in his court.

It's one of the hardest things to get used to as our relationship evolves, but it's a necessary shift.

There are other ways to connect

While we no longer speak every day, I've kept in touch with my son in other ways. I'll send occasional care packages or order an Instacart delivery to his dorm if he's running short on snacks.

I had a blast attending his parent's weekend a few weeks ago, especially when he showed me around his new campus. His father and I also dropped him the occasional card or letter via good old snail mail.

The bottom line is that he knows I'm thinking of him, even if we don't connect daily.

I remind myself that it's not personal

When I start feeling sad or overly nostalgic, I immediately snap back, knowing my kid is studying, writing, and growing into the person he's meant to be. He's busy, as he should be in his first year away.

I also remind myself about my own relationship with my parents; I certainly don't check in with either of them every day. This doesn't mean I don't love them or vice versa. It means I've long been an actualized adult, no longer dependent on them.

That's what he's becoming, too. In his case, he's made it clear he doesn't need constant parental contact getting in the way. I understand that, and I know it's not personal or meant to be hurtful. It's all part of the normal transition process from child to adult, making me all the prouder of him.

Even if I wish he'd call me a bit more often.